Change is in the Air

2014 was a very busy year.

Jadon struggled in 6th grade, but closed out his 2nd semester in a strong way. Tristan finished 5th grade at the top of his class. Jadon continued doing very well with his trumpet playing but ultimately decided not to pursue it going in to 7th grade.

I got season tickets to the Cougs for the first time this year, it was awesome! We went to 7 total games, I've never gone to so many in one year before.

The biggest change in my life happened in May, I made the decision to end things with my long time fiancee Samantha. There are a lot of personal reasons I had for doing this, she's a great person, we got a long great which made things difficult, but ultimately the "relationship" side of things had been struggling for years.

It was an extremely difficult decision, but I decided it was for the best for myself, my boys and for her. I made the decision to wait until the boys left for the summer so that we could hash out the details while they were away. When the time came I did speak to her about it right when I wanted to. We both handled the conversations very well, but I know I was hurting her, and I was very unsure of myself and nervous about it all, I chickened out after a couple of days and agreed to keep trying.

This was a huge mistake, unfortunately I had really checked out of the relationship in May, not even really interested in continuing to try, after a couple more months went by, I think it became clear to Samantha that I wasn't trying. She came home one night in late September and started asking me questions about our relationship, by the end of that conversation it was pretty much official, we were broken up.

It was strained at first, then kind of blew up in our faces 2-3 weeks into the breakup. The ultimate result is, I don't think she and I can be friends anymore. I know she loves the boys and the boys love her, I want to encourage them to maintain a friendship, but I won't facilitate it.

Money has been very very tight, I will definitely have to move into a less expensive place soon.

Jadon has had a very strong first semester as a 7th grader. I haven't gotten his report card yet, but I believe it is all As and Bs, he may have one C+ on there though, great improvement over last year, I think he has improved so much.

Tristan picked the Saxophone for 6th grade band, he seems to really enjoy it. He sounds good while practicing, but unfortunately his first concert was cancelled due to his band teacher being ill. I think the differences between elementary school and middle school have thrown Tristan off his game, his grades have been really really poor, its gotten way out of hand. The last 6 weeks of school have been very hard for him as he has tried to bring his grades up. He has put some work in, and we will see how well he did once I get his report card.

Tristan played tackle football for the first time this year, he loved it. Unfortunately his season ended early when he got a knee injury during practice. He got to meet Cougar receiver Vince Mayle who had a tremendous senior year, hopefully he will move on to the pros and have a great career representing the crimson and grey. Tristan is psyched to play 7th grade football as an LMS Spartan!

There is a shit load of stuff I am probably leaving out, its been 13 months since my last blog so I am kind of just hitting the high notes.

Which bring me to some rather big news, saving the best for last :-). Its not really news to my family and friends, just news to my blog itself. I have found an amazing woman.

Her name is Tawni. I guess I should start off by telling you how we met. I met her on Myspace 6 years ago! We planned our first date on Valentines Day 2009! It did not turn out very well though, dating was still new and I was a wreck because my grandma was passing away in the hospital, no excuses though, the date was one misstep after another. Sounds like she has been telling her friends all about it for the last 6 years as a great example of a bad date lol.

We did not stay in touch all this time, we don't even use MySpace anymore lol. Facebook recommended her as a potential friend, turns out we have a couple mutual friends on there, I thought it was kind of cool, a blast from my past, so I added her and we started chatting and catching up. It was kind of weird, considering how bad our date had been.

After I became single again, we kept chatting and expressed interest in giving this a second shot. I never could have guessed that I would get a chance to redeem myself, but we have now been dating for 4 months (in a few days at least) and it has been so amazing.

Tawni is incredible, she is beautiful, smart, funny, creative, down to earth, loving, competitive and just plain amazing in every way. I have fallen head over heels in love with her and look forward to an amazing future with her.

Everything happens for a reason, we clearly weren't ready for each other 6 years ago. We've gone through a lot since then. Now, I couldn't ask for a better woman to live out my days with. She is everything I want in a woman and somehow she is also everything I needed. I just hope that I can fill her life with as much love and happiness as she has been giving to me

She has an amazing daughter named Calista who is 12 years old, about 13 months younger than Jadon, 5 months older than Tristan. They all get along great, they've all 3 acted like brothers and sisters from the first time they met.

We have decided to take our first big step towards that future, we are moving into our first place together this month. We found an amazing place at a great price, moving day can't get here soon enough!

We have several fun trips to Seattle planned soon, after moving has calmed down a bit. The boys are starting their second semester of the school year and I am hoping they start it strongly and finish strongly.

This is going to be such an amazing year! I'm not sure I believe in soul-mates or not, but if such a thing exists, I have found her, I love her so much, the here and now is incredible, I can't wait to see what the future holds.

2015, here I come!

Welcome to 2014!

Hello America, and Happy New Year.

This will be the 9th year of my blog, there have been some light years and some heavy years for blogging, some ups and some downs in life are recorded within. A lot can certainly happen in 9 years.

This is the first time in 9 years that I've written a blog on the first day of a new year (though I hit the 2nd day once). It is kind of surprising as I'm a bit of a sucker for reminiscing on holidays and birthdays.

I'm not someone who puts much stock in new years resolutions, but I've still done it every year (I think). Keep it simple.

For the proceeding resolutions I will be listening to "Highway to Hell" by ACDC, listen along if you wish.

1) Lose some more weight. I'd like to lost another 15 pounds minimum by the end of the year. I think it is within reach, I've been averaging almost 20 so far.

2) Progress my career. Not sure where to go next exactly, I like the career track I am on, but it relies heavily upon the growth of my department. Soon the company will have a new Senior Shipping/Receiving Line Lead position, which would be the next logical step towards becoming a Supervisor/Manager over Shipping/Receiving/Inventory/Materials.

(Now I'm listening to "Everyday is Exactly The Same" by Nine Inch Nails)

I've just started the process to go bankrupt... its lame, but unfortunately necessary. I've fought the idea for five years, trying my best to pay things off. I'm now paying $700 to $800 a month just to debt and I barely have any money to set aside for christmas, birthdays, vacations, activities for the kids, cars for the kids when they turn 16, and so many other things I want to do, but can't. I've paid my due for the sins of my past, the ignorance and irresponsibility. Its time for a clean slate, so that I can finally start looking forward towards my future, towards the boys future.

3) Start and aggressive savings plan.

4) Start the kids in football.

5) Do something fun for Spring Break with the kids.

Now for my Nerd Goals of the year. Time to put some music on that will pump me up "Renegades of Funk" by Rage Against the Machine.

6) Practice Making RPG Games with RPG Maker on my PC and make at least 1 polished, but short, game before the end of the year.

7) Learn how to program in Ruby

8) Teach my kids the fundamentals of Computer Programming

9) Teach the boys how to play Dystopian Wars, finish painting my fleets.

10) Show the boys how to build and set up their own computers.

11) Finish reading the Star Wars RPG and play it with Samantha and the boys.

12) Beat or Advance the following games:

• Assassins Creed 3 (Ongoing)
• Assassins Creed 4
• The Last of Us
• Dishonored (Ongoing)
• Deus Ex: Human Revolution (Ongoing)
• Final Fantasy X HD (AGAIN, 3rd time)
• Final Fantasy XIII (Ongoing)
• Final Fantasy XIII-2
• Kingdom Hearts HD (AGAIN)
• Metal Gear Solid 3
• Metal Gear Solid 4
• Transformers: War for Cybertron (Ongoing)
• Duke Nukem 3D: Megaton Edition (AGAIN)
• Shadow Warrior Classic Redux (AGAIN)
• Dead Island
• Dead Space
• Fallout 3 (Ongoing)
• Skyrim (Ongoing)
• Warhammer 40k Dawn of War 2 (Ongoing)
• Torchlight 2 (Ongoing)
• The Wolf Among Us
• Star Wars The Force Unleashed (Ongoing)
• Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning
• Mass Effect
• Dragon Age 2
• Grand Theft Auto IV
• Grand Theft Auto V
• Gears of War 2
• Gears of War 3
• LEGO Lord of the Rings (Ongoing)
• LEGO Batman 2
• LEGO Marvel Heroes
• Hitman Absolution (AGAIN)
• God of War Chains of Olympus
• God of War Ghost of Sparta
• God of War (AGAIN)
• God of War 2 (AGAIN)
• God of War 3
• Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time HD
• Prince of Persia: Warrior Within HD
• Prince of Persia: The Two Thrones HD
• World of Warcraft (Get 2 more characters to max level)
• Star Wars The Old Republic (Get 3 more characters to max level)
• Diablo 3 PC (Get 1 more character to level 60)
• Diablo 3 XBox (Get 2 characters to level 60)
• DC Universe Online PS3 (Get 1 character to max level)
• Marvel Heroes Online (Get Cable to max level)
• And More...???

13) Read more books, start with:

• Inferno by Dan Brown
• Tides of War by Stephen Pressfield (Re-Read)
• The Profession by Stephen Pressfield
• The Harsh Cry of the Heron by Lian Hearn
• Heaven's Net is Wide by Lian Hearn
• Pompeii by Robert Harris
• Lustrum by Robert Harris

14) Complete my Collections of old Star Wars CCG cards, down to less than 100 cards missing

15) Most important resolution of all, blog more. Probably the most difficult out of the whole list. Once a month is all I ask.

Jadon's is doing great with learning the Trumpet, I think he is liking Middle School more than Elementary. He just made a new friend, but he has been having trouble having a social life so far this year. Until the last 3 weeks he hadn't done anything with friends outside of school at all, but he made a new friend and had him over and went to his party all right before winter break. So things are looking up I think. His grades are holding steady, he struggles at times but he has exceptional determination when faced with challenges. He will be turning 13 later this year, a teenager, scary :-)

Tristan is enjoying being the big man on campus, 5th graders. He and his friends play football everyday, its almost always the first thing I hear when he gets home, all the touchdowns he has made, all the cool plays they did. I remember those days! Tristan started slow socially too, but it comes a bit more naturally for him, he seems to be with friends all the time. He is excited to start middle school later in the year, he is interested in playing drums or sax.

Samantha and I have done a great job budgeting over the last year, this bankruptcy should help take the strain off our budgeting sessions. We won't be getting married this year, but now that we actually have the ability to set money aside for it, we will possibly choose a date.

I'm excited to get our tax refund this year, we've got lots of plans, but the foremost plan that has been on my list for a long time is acquiring the components for building new computers for the boys and Samantha to help build and use.

All in all I go into 2014 with a fair bit of hope. So as my first blog of the year comes to a close, I raise my glass and say cheers! Cheers to my family, cheers to my friends... cheers to the future.

My parting gifts are quotes from Napoleon Bonaparte that apply to our current national political climate:

1) "Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich"

2) "In politics stupidity is not a handicap"

3) "If you wish to be a success in the world, promise everything, deliver nothing"

4) "Among those who dislike oppression are many who like to oppress"

5) "A celebrated people lose dignity upon a closer view"

6) "Men are more easily governed through their vices than their virtues"

Goodnight,

-J

MRI And The Infinite Sadness

God I love to explain my titles. I used to come up with such witty shit, today's title feels like a return to form for me. If you don't recognize it then you are a heathen! Greatest Smashing Pumpkins album of all time. I toyed with the idea of calling today's blog Bullet with MRI Wings, but it doesn't quite roll of the tongue the same. Besides as much as I love the song Bullet With Butterfly Wings, that's not even my favorite song on the album. That glorious honor goes to the song 1979 (note: when I went to type the title 1979 I found out to my chagrin that Num-Lock was not on, fucking world of warcraft always leaves my keyboard in disarray). If you haven't heard the song 1979 by the Smashing Pumpkins in awhile (or ever, you heretic), take a moment to listen to it and then we'll meet again in the next paragraph.

.......

Well done good sir or lady (unless you didn't listen to it.... asshole).

Obviously there is something on my mind, as you can probably tell from the title I used and the shitty title that I had no intention of using (because it sucked, but hey, talking about it didn't suck so bad, did it?). Before I go on I would just like to note for you, the reader, that I have no idea why I feel the need to add incessant commentary to my own writing, it seems self serving (but I do find it to be hysterical). Back to whats been on my mind today: I don't really have anything to worry about, let me just say that up front; The odds of them finding something wrong are so low that I shouldn't even give it a second thought, but I am worried, that's what I do, I think about things too deeply (and use commas a lot, but hey, this isn't a fucking essay I have to turn in later, and I would feel no shame if it was).

Damn, I literally completely lost my train of thought.

I should state for the record that while I am fairly private when it comes to my sex life, I am not a private person in any other regard. For background on whats been happening, I've exhibited symptoms of potential low testosterone for a number of years. Running some tests back in 2009 and more tests this year, we discovered, in fact, that my testosterone and a number of other hormones my body is supposed to have in abundance, are low. With so many hormones being low, they want to check it at the source before they look into other options for correcting this. So on Monday I am going in for an MRI on my headal/brainal region (as the industry professionals would say). They are going to be specifically looking at any potential issues with my pituitary gland.

Like I said in one of the sentences above, the expectation is that we will find nothing and continue with some kind of run of the mill treatment. I don't have anything to worry about. Yet... I worry. Sometimes I'm fine, sometimes Im just so focused I'm not even thinking about it at all (thank you inventory discrepancies, what a welcome distraction [I totally forgot how to portray sarcasm properly in my writing, so, trust me, sarcasm in abundance with the inventory discrepancy comment]).

Wow, lost my train of thought again. Going off on barely related tangents is killer tonight. Writing at 2 am does that too a man I suppose. On the good side of things, Free Fallin by Tom Petty just started playing. All the vampires walkin through the valley, move west down ventura boulevard, and all the bad boys standing in the shadows, and the good girls are home with broken hearts, and I'm free, free fallin.

We don't have to talk about that shit anymore, what a downer. In the meantime I should mention that my kids and fiancee bought me a new game as a pick-me-up gift, Batman Arkham Origins! Played the shit out of that game for like an hour tonight before my eyelids could barely stay open, then instead of going to bed like a rational human being, I walked straight (holy shit Killing Me Softly by The Fugees just came on, I have exceptional taste in music)... walked straight to the office and proceeded to watch three episodes of season 6 of Californication. God I love that show.

Seeing all the shit Hank was going through in that show, and him being a writer and all, I felt compelled to return to my blog and pour my heart out to you, whoever you are.

So my financial situation could't be better, and the statement it couldn't be worse is equally true. I see the light at the end of the tunnel, but its definitely gotten worse before its gotten better. I won't go into detail... at the moment.

Have I told you I love my new job? Its not new anymore I suppose, 10 months into it. I work with a lot of awesome people, I enjoy what I actually do and the amount of responsibility I have. There are only two downsides, the first is that I have more work than I could possibly keep up with at the moment, the second is the "political" side of the job. People are just too damn sensitive, I feel like I need to tread lightly when it comes to talking to some particular people (if you are reading this, I assure you that you are not one of those people). When our supervisor Nick was around he constantly warned me in our one on ones that I needed to speak cautiously, not be critical of peoples failures, and try to only put a positive spin on things. I see what he means, and I agree with him, I just wish it wasn't necessary for me to walk on eggshells. Sometimes you need to call a dud a dud and start from scratch.

Either way, its my second favorite job of all time (come on, working at a bookstore was fucking rad, even though at the time I was making 1/3rd the amount of money I make now).

My mind is tired, its running a thousand miles a second, but I'm starting to have trouble keeping it on track at all. I think tonight's blog is coming to a close. Caffeine is to blame for this, I have it so rarely now that it hits me like a ton of bricks.

Anyway, thanks for reading this far (you better not have skipped to the end, if you did, I'm sure you missed something hilarious).

Time to put an end to this touchy feely emo shit, I bid thee adieu.

-The J

PS: I Said GOOD DAY SIR!

Its Difficult to be a Parent

It can be difficult to be a parent at times. My son Jadon had to get some teeth pulled last week and he had a really rough time. I feel like I've asked a lot of him in regards to his teeth, he's been a real trooper.

It hurts me to see him hurt and this time was the worst. He has always been afraid of shots, or sitting in the eye doctors chair, and dentists. He has been starting to do better with the dental stuff though, he did really well when they took out his baby teeth early. But that was a cake walk compared to this.

He was begging me not to make him do it, and they hadn't even started yet. It took forever just to get the four shorts in, one for each tooth. Finally after twenty or more minutes of struggling with it he buckled down, laid back and said "I'm doing this for you Dad!"

....

Then the easy part was over, Jadon didn't really expect the teeth coming out to hurt so bad, he recalled what it was like to get the baby teeth out, well, these weren't baby teeth. He did well during the first tooth, but as soon as it was out, he flipped, he was in so much pain, he was bawling his eyes out, he was so upset, pleading with me to make it stop. I felt so bad, I questioned whether what I was doing was right or not. And many times I nearly broke and called the rest of it off.

But all through it I stayed strong, I reassured him that what we were doing was the right thing, that even though it hurt now, it would be worth it. Its difficult to keep that panic you feel in your heart from taking control.

I love you Jadon, I'm sorry this hurt so much, and I promise when we get the wisdom teeth out in a few years that we'll knock you out this time.

Just a quick rundown for the rest of the blog. Boys are back in school, Jadon is in 6th grade, Tristan is in 5th. Jadon started Band, he is playing the Trumpet (and he was practicing today, even though it wasn't required, the cat was not happy). Tristan is going to be a crossing guard, he is pretty excited.

Cougs play their first football game this Saturday, I'm psyched for the new season to start. I think we have a chance to make it a good game against Auburn. I'm heading to Seattle this weekend to go to PAX.

Thats about it for now.

-J

Late to the Party

First post of 2013!

Good thing I wasn't in a race or something, half the year has gone by and this is my first blog. The way things have been going it could be the last of the year as well.

I last blogged in November, not sure if I'll be able to remember all the shit I did between then and now. Not that that is why I am posting this.

Not sure why I am really, blogging used to be the way I relieved stress, the way I straightened out all of the thoughts running through my head. Now that I don't blog, sometimes I just think I don't have anything to replace it in my life. Makes me really want to blog again, I just don't. I'm not sure why.

Things are going pretty well right now. We just finally got out of that hell hole of an apartment and into something a little bigger but still reasonably priced. I get my own office again and should be able to set up a decent hobby space in our garage.

We just got awesome cost of living raises ($1.75 each) and our annual performance raises just happened as well. I also just got promoted to Line Lead this week, it was the path I was on but it came suddenly and unexpectedly. I'll rise to the occasion.

I miss the boys, their mom just moved to California. They are down there now, about halfway through their summer with her. It was harder than ever to let them go.

That first summer was the hardest. Expecting them to be with me, pointing out airplanes only to look in the back of the car to find empty seats. I was told it was get easier over time and for a few years that was true. But this year we really all started bonding in new ways, our interests started to align more. I interact with the kids a lot more, we talk, we play video games, we play board games, we watch more movies together (like Gladiator, The Patriot and even Scream!). It was unexpectedly harder to let them go.

The boys both have their own cell phones now, and while its costing us a leg and a foot, I am glad we made this decision. We stay in contact a lot better, Jadon has texted me more than once a week since he left and Tristan has texted a couple of times as well.

I went to Vegas for the first time last month! It was awesome, I had a lot of fun. My friend Russ was getting married. Lots of weddings this year. My cousin Bryan is marrying his boyfriend Chad later this month and Samantha's friend Brenna is getting married in October. Just more excuses for me to dress like a bad ass. ;-)

I finally started gaming more. I'd been aching to get back to my hobby for years, but it kept getting put off. My current game is Dystopian Wars, though I'd like to expand into Malifaux and Dropzone Commander once our budget can manage.

I've been thinking a lot about my past lately. The last 7 years have been a lot more eventful than the 7 before them. With as many new people that are in my life, friends and family, I can't help but miss the ones that aren't here anymore. Losing family like my Grandma, my Great Grandma and most recently my Uncle Bill passing away in his early 50s. Friends who have moved on with their lives like Sarah or just friends that are far away like Russ. People who have all had a significant role in my life.

Since I started in my new department in January I've definitely been losing weight. Its nice having a job that keeps me so active. Now that I've become a lead I think it will be a little less frustrating too. I didn't entirely get a long with the person that was my lead, we had completely different visions and they didn't mesh at all.

I really don't know what to say in this blog. I felt I needed to say something though. The drive to blog has been building up for months and months, and now that its 1:30 in the morning, hell, might as well. Maybe it will put me to sleep... or perhaps not.

A lot of other things have happened that are worth noting, but I can't think of them at the moment.

We've been doing a great job creating budgets and sticking to them, things are definitely improving.

Its going to be my 33rd birthday this Thursday. not sure what to do with myself, might be nice to go out and get a drink with some friends though. not sure. Anyone interested? Maybe My Office, Rico's or one of the Moscow bars?

Maybe Samantha can get my liquored up enough to go dancing again, I seem to really enjoy myself. Our friend Bill even showed me some dance moves the last time, he and his wife Jeannette and Samantha and I were practically the only ones dancing. Liquid Courage :-)

For those of you new to my blog, I obviously don't write these very often. Just a few times per year. But I used to write them practically once per week or more at times. During the aftermath of my marriage and the struggle for custody of my kids and wrote my blog to keep my head on straight. I used it as a way of looking at myself and the world around me in a new way. I worked through a lot of emotional pain by just sitting down at this keyboard and starting with a sentence and a few hundred words later I would feel better, sometimes a lot better. Feel free to peruse the old posts! I used to have this blog on MySpace, but since that website a-sux, I moved it all over to this website.

Anyway, spent the day playing video games with my Uncle Bob and my Cousin Braydon, had steak at my moms house and then came home. Good relaxed day, tomorrow I'll be playing a big game of Dystopian Wars (fucking awesome miniatures game, come be a nerd with me world). Then I start my birthday week on Monday, and believe me, I fucking celebrate that shit all week long.

So if your wondering why I am in a good mood, that is why. Or if you are wondering why I am in a bad mood, also why. Stressed out or superchill, its by birthday baby.

Goodnight Sucka