Misery

I just finished watching a movie that Amber at Blockbuster suggested to me. She was right, it was funny. Though, to me it was definatly a dark comedy.

Im entirely done with Nicole, but I can't move on. I need to, but I am afraid of whatever is beyond the next horizon of my life.

Im not afraid of commitment, I am not afraid of finding someone new. Im afraid of losing even another small chunk of my kids lives. I can't move foreward, I can't file for divorce or move to my own apartment. I don't really know who to trust, or how to trust anymore.

I play the what if game with myself way too much, I can not move to Phoenix, it is not right for my kids, but at the same time, if I don't, that means we will have to fight over them. That is a battle that I am not sure I can win, with all my bravado about it, in the end, in the eyes of the court, I am just the father and they need their mother more.

I don't believe that is true in this case, they need her, they need us both. And as much as she will say that I am the one that is preventing us from both being with them at the same time, the truth is, she took herself out of our family equation. She moved to some distant place, and started a life without us.

She, like her mother, will make herself believe whatever she needs to believe to justify her actions. It is obvious that the people she is with define her to an extent that I wasn't ready to believe.

I need to file for divorce, I have to file. I can't lose my kids. I am their father. They are my sons. That is all I want. I have to be there when they go to their first days of school, I have to be there for their school plays and sporting events, I have to be there for their first girlfriends, and their camping trips, I have to take them to see great sights and locations and most important of all, I ahve to be there every night to let them know that they are safe and that daddy is there to protect them and will never be too far from them and that they will never be too far from my mind or my heart. I can not bear the thought of not seeing my kids again.

I can not allow them to move to pheonix, I can not lose this, but I am not prepared to do what needs to be done in order to win. I would not be a good person if I damaged their mother in that way, but she won't budge, she wont listen to reason. She knows what is right but she is afraid that choosing that path makes her a bad mother, but if its the right choice, even if it means you see them less then that makes you a good mother and a brave person. What is right is not always what is easy, or well thought of, what is right can be a hard path to follow.

They can not move to phoenix, I can not move them away from their family and so many people that want to be in their lives. I will follow wherever they go, because if I lose this case, they lose most everything, and they will never lose me, never. But I can't lose, I know in my heart what is right for them, but unfortunatly it is not up to just myself.

I must fight for them and what I believe is right for them, but I am hesitant, I know that fighting is only the 2nd best path for them. The Best path is if Nicole and I can agree, so that they know with confidence that This is what both Daddy and Mommy agree is best.

I know I can't wait for Nicole to agree with me forever, and I know that I will have to get this process started with or without her.

I Love my kids, I love them more than I ever thought I could love anything.