At the airport on Sunday I gave my kids as many hugs and kisses as I could before they left. I watched them walk through security, tears welling up in my eyes as they turned out of sight. It was a lonely drive home.
I miss them so much, I only got to speak to each one of them for a few seconds, I don't even know what they got for Christmas down there, and I am afraid that Nicole bought a present for Tristan that I got him as his present from Santa Claus. If she did, she did so knowing I had already gotten it for him and that I wasn't giving it to him until they return on January 6th. I hope I am wrong though, it would be an entirely new low for Nicole. We arranged for a specific time for me to call and she never answered, over an hour later all got was rushed "Hi Daddy" 's from them as they got ready to go to the next place on their busy christmas day schedule. She had 'Eric' give them haircuts even though I told her I didn't want much cut off because its winter and there is no need for them to be walking around with so little hair on their heads. Did she listen? no.
She is also still arguing with me that it was ok for her to take them to see the Simpsons movie even though it has tons of minor swearing, violence, sexual humor and even shows a glimpse of Bart's penis. I don't even let them watch the TV show, let alone the movie. Fuck, South Park bleeps out most of the words, I might as well let them watch that! Oh thats right, I actually give deep and meaningful thought to the way I raise my children, as oppose to "buy them whatever I can to keep them as happy as possible", Like Mother Like Daughter. But at least its not her money right?
What? Am I being too harsh?
Today sucked, Christmas totally sucked this year. I wasn't depressed, but I just didn't want to participate. I still had fun playing games and opening presents, but I just didn't want to be there at all. Its the beginning of the end! What am I supposed to do? go about my life whenever my children aren't present? Make plans for christmas that I happen to include them in on the years "I" get them?
Sure, I want to open up and spread out, have my own life outside of my kids, but still dedicate that life to them. How am I supposed to do that? I girlfriend would help I suppose, but I have a better chance of attracting flys.
Russ comes onto me more than any girl ever has, and I suppose that is my fault. I either don't say enough to them or I say way too damned much.
Is dinner too much to ask? Am I down on one knee holding up a ring on our first date or something? At this rate I'll never have another girlfriend unless I meet a girl that likes me and happens to be rather forward on her own. I'm sorry lady, I don't know how to introduce myself to you without drooling. Yes, I want to stop staring at your breats, but I know that as soon as I do I will say something incredibly stupid, and yes I would rather look like an asshole than a dumbass.
God, I am so frustrated. I hold myself back so much, I am afraid of holding my children back as well. I am a good father and I know this, I love my children, I provide for them and I fight for them. I will never stop doing any of those things.
Is it too much to ask that I can go on a date without talking about the fact that I want to get married again someday, have more kids? Yes, for our first date I want to concieve our first child together and while we are in the middle of the 'conception process' I want a priest standing over us performing our wedding ceremony.
You know what I want? I want to have more kids, and yes I do need a lady for that, hopefully one that is nice to me and wants to raise kids for the next 20 years like me. I want things for myself as well, I am taking steps as we speak to hopefully form the foundation for a Freelance Web Development career. I have also written the first several chapters of a book, though I haven't put down the discipline neccessary to get through it all the way yet. Sure, I am not going to be quitting my day job any time soon, but its time for me to start somewhere.
God damn, I want 6 or 8 kids! I dont know if thats true or not, 4 is always my 'practical' answer. I want to have a family, raise children, play with my grandchildren and then die. I could write 20 books, build the worlds best webpages and become a financial genius and make ga-jillions of dollars, but "having a family, raising my children and playing with my grandchildren" will always be the shining point of my life. The best thing I can do, doing it the best I can.
Im sorry, I am going back and forth on all sorts of issues. But I am Frustrated. I have been waiting so freakin long for the judges decision, trying to prepare what my reaction will be regardless of his judgement. Hoping that my trial won't be delayed AGAIN and that I can spend Valentines Day 2008 unmarried (note that I didn't use the word single *wink* *wink* ladies).
Ill probably post another blog soon, but here is a list:
Happy that I found my brother and sister
Thankful for being the primary caretaker of my children (so far)
Pissed that I am seperated from them for this WHOLE winter break
frustrated that I dont have a girlfriend, though I want one for several reasons
Happy that I am starting to get things back on track (though slowly)
I hope everyone's christmas was fun, I went winless for games this time around but I was bidding in pinocle like a freakin madman. I had fun, despite all this crap exploding out of me in this blog. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
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