100th Blog with a very special announcement!!!

Yes, that's right; this is my Giant-Sized 100^th Blog!! I am very excited to make an amazing announcement in it too. This just happens to be a coincidence though! What's that? You want me to tell you the good news right now? fPah!! I say! fPah!! I love to type and this is a great opportunity to do just that. The good news, dare I say the GREAT news is going to be somewhere near the end of this post (for some reason Microsoft Word wanted me to say "somewhere nears the end" instead of near.. I'm still trying to wrap my brain around that). But don't skip ahead lest my feelings get damaged!

I actually may not do as much typing as I indicated a lot of the typing I already did quite some time ago. I am going to start this blog off with a note I posted to my Facebook account on April 13^th 2007. I may have even posted it to my blog at that time. If you have read it, feel free to read it again as I am going to go over it and update it a bit.

Who I Am:

I asked myself a question 7 years ago. Who Am I?

That is very much the opposite of the title of this note. I know who I am, I answered that question. I know who I am, and I am going to tell you who that is right now. Not because I think you want to know, or I think you don't know, but because I feel the need to refresh my memory (and I like to type endlessly). I need to take a moment and remember the man that I am, and why I am that man.

I guess I should start off by telling you (or myself) that 7 years have passed, and I have grown and changed in that time. Making a decision about 'Who I Am' does not imply that I would not seek to better myself, I am not at all indicating that I chose to be perfect (that doesn't sound very interesting at all :-) ).

Also, before I get any farther into this, I would like to say that this is not just coming out of no where. I don't just suddenly feel the need to post this; there were a build up of events. The catalyst was hearing that my Grandmother had become very sick. I was also afraid of the impact this would have on my Grandpa, he is having a harder and harder time with his Dementia and he is just lost without my Grandma.

(NEW) As an update, my Grandmother is doing very well but my Grandfather's Alzheimers has progressed farther and farther. I just found out today (Feb. 27^th, 2008) that doctors are recommending he no longer be around children without any kind of supervision. That is how we have treated the situation for some time, but hearing it come from a professional makes it feel very much more real.

Continuing where I left off, 7 years ago I began having some personal issues. I lost who I was, I was disappointed with my life to that point and then something happened in my best friend's life that caused me to initiate a breakdown in my own. I stopped sleeping, I stopped eating; I pretty much stopped doing everything. (As a note, 'stop' is too strong a word, I don't mean it literally, I was eating less than a whole meal per day combined and I generally had what I would call insomnia and I would go days without sleep and when I did get sleep it was short and restless).

That lasted several months, and even though my friend and I continued to live together, it pushed a thick wedge in between us. Then, one day, I just looked at myself and realized the kind of torment I was inflicting upon myself. I started thinking, started working out who I was in my mind. I was no longer lost, yes I was still asking myself 'Who Am I?', but now I was answering that question. After awhile it got to the point that I felt more complete than any other time in my life.

It was kind of crazy, I felt like I was flying through the clouds almost. I was very 'Whistle While You Work' happy. I continued answering my own questions, continued feeling good about it, and then one day while walking home I was attacked. It was about 4:30 in the morning, though it was spring time and the sun was already bright above the mountain range. I was listening to music ("In The End" by Linkin Park), using my old Game Boy ear buds. Suddenly I was struck on the right side of my head really hard, I turned around to see who had thrown something at me and standing only a few feet away from me was some punk kid holding a Tire Iron. With the shock of the situation and him being so close to me, I fell backwards. He yelled at me and demanded money, indicating that he would hit me again if I didn't give him my wallet. I did and he ran off to his friend's car and drove off.

It seemed like I sat there forever after it happened, but in reality I got to my feet in time to see the back of their car disappear over the first hill. The first thing I felt was anger, and then I felt my ear with my hand. It didn't feel quite right, and my fingers felt wet. I looked at them cautiously; they were covered in my blood. Fear washed over me, I felt my ear again, it didn't feel like an ear, I am not sure what it felt like. It did not hurt; the entire side of my head was numbed instantly when I was hit with the Tire Iron.

I had another mile to go before I was home, so I started walking. A few cars past, I tried to wave them over, no one stopped. Took me about 15 min to get home, I went straight to my friend's girlfriend's apartment (same building) and asked her for help. She sat me down and gave me something to put on my ear and she called 911 for me. The paramedics came and I joked around with them for a bit while they checked out my ear, then they recommended I get a ride so that I didn't have to pay for an ambulance. At the hospital they washed out my ear with hydrogen peroxide (with what I can only describe as an industrial squirt gun), and told me to tell them when it started to hurt. Turns out having that sprayed into your ear hurts like hell, so I don't recommend it.

My earlobe had been sliced in two parts and the ear bud I was wearing had been shattered and cut into parts inside my ear. The hospital had a plastic surgeon on site that put over 40 stitches into my ear, and then they stuffed it full of cotton and wrapped a TON of bandages around my head to keep my ear in place. It made me look devastatingly handsome to be sure.

Well, that was a long story, anyway.

Obviously this was a really bad time to be suddenly attacked. While I had been working hard on myself and answering the "Who Am I?" question with successful results, I was still fragile and incomplete. I tried to be conscious of this, 24 hours after I had been attacked, I walked back down to the spot it had happened with a friend of mine. I stood there just screaming that I wasn't going to let something like this ruin me, that I wasn't going to give up and that life could throw whatever it wanted my way and I would take it. I realized at that moment that when I had first broken down at the beginning of this story, what I had really done was given up on myself. I decided at this moment that I would never give up again.

I stopped asking myself "Who Am I?" and started 'telling myself'. I no longer asked myself questions hoping that I could answer them, now I was telling myself. Now I was saying, this is Who I Am. I am Strength. I am Durability. I am Loyalty. I am Trust. I am Honor. I am many things now and many more things to come. This didn't happen overnight, it happened over the course of the next 3-4 weeks after the mugging. Everything in life is a process.

To skip ahead:

So, after the above story I met a girl. She was 18 years old and she had a 4 month old baby (well, he was 0 months old when he was born, and 4 months old when I met his mother). She was cute, but not really my type (though she definitely had the hips and butt that I like), though I worked with her often and developed a little crush on her.

She was clearly a very needy person with lots of issues. She described part of a fairly tragic history. My friend and roommate, whom I worked overnights with, (she worked overnights too) and I took Nicole under our wings. Everyone knew a little about her history and none of the women there liked her because of the amount of flirting she would do. There would always be complaints about her, so my friend and I encouraged and defended her. She was a really good worker and we were the only guys there not trying to take advantage of her. We hadn't had a high quality worker like her in a long time and we all ended up getting pretty close.

Eventually she asked me if she could come over and hang out with us. We had known and worked with her for about 4 months at this point and I ran it by my roommates and we brought her over. It was kind of a full time thing, none of us had cars and since we worked nights she would need to sleep over and bring her baby with her.

That was the first time I met Jadon. My eyes are welling up as I type this. He was the cutest baby I had ever seen in my life; I felt a bond with him instantly. He was 8 months old.

Within a few days of her hanging out and sleeping at my place I asked Nicole to go out with me. She agreed. I thought of myself in a fatherly role quickly, and my Mom and Grandma were just as excited, they came over right away to meet him and play with him and even called him their Grandson. It moved Nicole to see them so accepting; to them he was my son. He is my son. I am his father.

Things between Nicole and I took on a life of their own, we got pregnant right away with Tristan Alexander (or Julianna Isabella if he had been a girl), and we got married in October after having been together for 4 months (living together that whole time) and knowing each other for only 8 months.

I grew to love us as a family, and I thought I loved her. I realize now that I was mistaken. I had to compromise myself and who I had decided to be, just to be with her. I was not being the husband or father that I wanted to be. I became very shut off and withdrawn. My emotions were indiscernible and while we got along really well, neither of us were very responsible as people, or as a couple.

We had been married for about 3 years, and even though we both found ourselves with better jobs than we had ever had in the past, things started spiraling out of control. I am not going to say much about this time, no reason to play the blame game, we both played our parts. But eventually she left, and she took our children with her. At the time I was supposed to join her in just a few short months as soon as we both had enough money saved to move our stuff and get an apartment.

Things did not work out like that, after 2 1/2 months we agreed the kids would benefit from living with me for awhile, and eventually decided they should stay with me for the whole school year. Several months later I find out that there is another man and that she has kept it a secret that they had been living together for several months (since she sent the kids to me). I just about fell apart. I suddenly realized everything I have already told you in this document_ I realized just how I had compromised who I was. Since she was out of my life I had become the father I had always wanted to be.

Who I Am. I am Strength. I am Durability. I am Loyalty. I am Trust. I am Honor. I am Family. I am Father. I am many things now and many more things to come.

Despite this, I still felt broken. Nicole's betrayal was brutal, we had a family and she didn't even try to keep it together. Things have only gotten worse.

And there is one other thing that I won't mention here. It is the thing I am thinking about most right now, and also the thing that I think will most likely not work in my favor. But it is a happy thing, no matter how it turns out (by the way, this cryptic comment turned out to be true, it did not work out in my favor, I am still happy I feel the way I feel, I just wish that something had come of it.)

I feel better. Life is intense. I just took a break from writing this, despite almost being at the end, and I checked on my kids. They are fast asleep. Life is intense, but it is worth it. Family make it worth it, Friends make it worth it.

Who Am I? I am who I am. I am Father. I am Brother. I am Son and Grandson. I am Uncle. I am Family. I am Friend. I am Strength. I am Durability. I am Loyalty. I am Trust. I am Honor. I am Love. I am many things now and many more things to come.

I am Man.

Well, that's the end of the note that I posted on Facebook; pretty long right? Well now its time to make this sucker even longer! I'm assuming if you've made it this far than you'll make it to the end as well!

The note above was posted 10 months ago; I had filed for divorce just weeks before that note was written. I feel as though I have been through an awful lot since that time.

First I would like to say that I am not the father I want to be. Not yet and hopefully not ever. I will never be the best that I can be, but I hope I always strive to be. I want to always change and improve myself, especially in regards to fatherhood.

If you have been at all following my divorce than you know that quite a lot has happened recently. I am so very happy to make the announcement that I am about to make:

Today, through the help of our lawyers, Nicole and I came to an agreement settling the issue of custody. She has agreed that I will retain primary custody of both children, though the parenting plan I wrote gives her a majority of the 'non-school' time.

It is not over, I am not yet divorced. We are hoping to hammer out an agreement on debt soon and a short trial will decide child support. Once those issues are resolved then my divorce will finally be finished.

Though that pales in comparison to what we agreed on today. I've won. This is better than a judge's decision as a settlement can not be appealed. Despite that I have written a ton in this blog already, I feel nearly speechless when it comes to describing just how amazing I feel right now. I've won!

Thank you all for the kind words and support that you shared with me through all of this. It has been a difficult ride and at times I felt as though I would fold. Without some of your help, especially one of you in particular, I may have done just that. I realize now, more than ever, the value of friendship.

Soon I will be off, living on my own. The Shaper of my own Destiny. I was fated to struggle through this battle and I feel as though it has transformed me into a better person and father than I ever was before.

-Jason

Fun!

Just a brief word, I forgot to mention on my blog a couple days ago that I ran into my 7th Grade Teacher at the store. Mr. Johnson was hands down one of my favorite teachers in Middle School. After a brief Quiz he managed to remember my name too! Its only been like 15 years or so :-).

Also, this weekend the boys and I are going to get together with Jadon's Friends Andy and Micah and their Moms again. This time we are going to all go bowling together, it should be lots of fun!

Next week I've got a parent/teacher conference with Jadon's Kindergarten teacher again and then on Thursday we have that hearing about the settlement offers Nicole and I had made.

I've got a Screamer!

Hello!

First off I would like to mention that Jadon's back ached for a couple days (with a little embellishment on his part), but ultimately he was feeling better in no time!

I can't recall if I have mentioned this in the past (what?? am I supposed to read my own blog???), but Jadon has been having some social problems in school this year. He is in Kindergarten and he goes to daycare with several people from his class as well, so several of them spend all day together.

There are issues with him and his friends being distracted a lot, disobeying rules sometimes together, but mostly they argue and get in each others faces and sometimes even resolve their issues by hitting each other. Its gotten worse lately and both their kindergarten teacher and their daycare teacher have been raising the red flag and making sure we know that it has been escalating.

Well, I decided that this was an issue that trancends either location obviously and apparently his friend's moms had similar thoughts. So I gave Stacey (Jadon's Daycare teacher, Tristan's Pre-School teacher) permission to give them my phone number. At the end of last week I spoke with both of them and we made plans to get together on Sunday.

It went really well, all 3 of us brought our kids to McDonalds to eat and let them play while we talk about the situation. We decided that the issue is that the boys, while they are all good friends, just don't know how to properly communicate with a friend. So we set out to work on that, and we all expressed interest in making these meetings regular so that we could all observe our little group of friends interact and also address these issues together.

We all agreed that the daycare is handling the situation well, they have extra teachers coming in to observe the situation and make sugguestions on things that can be changed or improved in the classroom to help our boys out. I hadn't had this issue, to my knowledge, but neither of them seemed very happy with Ms. Brown, the kindergarten teacher. Jadon's friends Andy and Micah have apparently both expressed that they don't think she likes them very much. I guess she turns the light off to quite the class pretty often and makes the class put their heads on the table frequently.

Despite that, I had a really good feeling about our meeting and I am hoping to get together again this Sunday and take all our boys out bowling. It was nice to talk to them, they are both single moms (well, one or both of them might be dating, but single parents I mean) and even though all our situations are completely different, we have three great kids that are friends.

Today Jadon had to get one last shot, and yes this is in reference to the title of the blog. Tristan can sit down and get 4 shots, 2 in each arm, and not shed a single tear or make a single sound. He just gives me a hug and says "did I do good daddy?", Jadon on the other hand freaks out. And it literally gets worse EVERY SINGLE TIME! Meaning that today was by far the worst. He reacted more to the single shot than the 3 he had to get last time he went.

I could barely hold him still, it was like he was having convulsions or something. I finally got one arm locked down and both his legs immobile when the nurse immobolized the arm she was going to put a shot in, then a second later it was over. He walked like he was about to crap his pants for awhile, refused to let me touch him and he cried for almost an hour! I miss when he was a baby and shots put him to sleep with no other side effects!!

The boys got their sports shirts from Parks & Rec today! Im super excited! I think I still have one of mine from when I was a kid, they were green and white reversible shirts then, now they use Blue and White. The boys both start Flag Football and Soccer in March and Tee Ball starts when those both end, at the end of April or beginning of May.

Their favorite sport last spring was basketball, but for some reason basketball wasn't available for Jadon. So I went with Soccer again for both of them. I think one or two of Jadon's friends will be in some of the sports with him, I think he will be pretty excited about that.

Just another 9 days and we find out if we can get these settlement offers enforced. I haven't talked to Nicole at all since the day she fired her lawyer. She has tried to call a couple times today and yesterday, but the boys keep missing her call, they havent heard from her since Valentines Day and at the time only one of the boys spoke with her anyway (I think Tristan).

As a closing note I would just like to mention how proud of Jadon I am. His homework tonight was to write a sentence that answers the question "If you had $100, what would you spend it on" and you can really tell just how much he has learned so far this year, he could barely write his letters and now he can write them all, sound them out, read small words, write a sentence. I was honestly welling up a little.

Happy Valentine's Day

Well, this is my 2nd Valentines day since this all began. I've been single for 23 months now and technically I haven't been on a single official date yet. Im kind of tired of this situation actually, trying not to hurry. 

I've struck out so far, now I just need to figure out how to meet people. I'm not overly social with people I don't know.

Well, I got my car back today, better than its looked in 3 years!

Last night as Jadon was buckling himself up after daycare he pulled a muscle in his back! He was in quite a bit of pain, I took him in to see his Doctor, we made sure it wasn't some kind of urinary tract infection or anything and that is when the doctor indicated it may be a pulled muscle.

Anyway, the point of the conversation is that while I was at the Doctor's Office, Nicole called me. I said we were at the doctors office and the boys couldn't talk and when I was about to say why we were there she just hung up without a word.

Then I was suprised by her not sending the boys Valentines Day cards, she did call them, and after Tristan was done talking to her he handed me back the phone, I said "Nicole..." as if I was about to say more when she suddenly said "OK, Bye". She didnt hang up right away this time, but I was a little put off so without another word I went ahead and hung up on my end.

So she still doesn't know about the pulled muscle and I no longer feel compelled to inform her of it.

In that vein of thought, Beth has scheduled our hearing for February 28th! It seems long to me, but I think even just 1 week would feel like forever right now. So 2 weeks should be no problem.

Once again, I hope everyone had a great Valentine's Day, esspecially you ladies! 

Brief Update

Ok, MySpace error erased what I just typed, so I will type some of it again.

Essentially my lawyer believes we have a good chance of getting the agreements enforced by the court, if so, I can't wait to see Nicole's reaction! :-P

I am stunned after todays events

My trial has been cancelled. But wait, it is a far more interesting story than the last two times it was cancelled. This time my trial was cancelled because we negotiated a settlement in my favor and 'I Won'. But wait, unfortunatly things don't stand like that and it is much more complicated.

I started out the day much as expected, a little nervous but really just happy it was going to be over soon. We are getting slammed at work right now so I make arrangments with my supervisor to take my lunch early so I can do some work on station 1 during our regular lunch while others are gone, its work that would normally overlap our own and slow us down.

So I am in line at Jack in the Box, taking my lunch 30 min. early and I decide to check in with my lawyer. She says she is happy I called, she was just about to call me at work because Nicole's lawyer has sent us a settlement offer to look over, one that gives me primary custody. In other words, a serious one.

We go over some of it, I make some adjustments and beth sends it off to Nicole's lawyer who then talks to Nicole and it goes back and forth. Beth (my lawyer) called me at work several times while this negotiation process took place.

By about 12:30 we had agreed that there were three issues to negotiate seperatly. Debt, Parenting Plan, & Child Support. So anyway, by 12:30 we had agreed on a settlement for the debt, it was amazingly reasonable, I got only students loans, my Mervyns Card and my Car Loan, she would take the rest. That is perfect!

We went back and forth a lot on the parenting plan but ultimatly by 3pm we had settled on a plan we both liked, a plan that gives me primary custody in Washington.

The only remaining issue was Child Support, Nicole wants it reduced significantly, and I agreed to reduce it as long as I dont pay the costs for travel or her daycare expenses. She didnt like that, but its not something that needs to be decided in court.

So we have agreements in place for Parenting Plan and Debt, so we cancelled the trial and call off all our witnesses, then Nicole's lawyer calls us up and says that since we couldnt agree (YET) on the Child Support that she wants to cancel all of our deals and push it to trial anyway. Beth informs her lawyer that it is too late, trial has already been cancelled and we have already informed our witnesses.

So Nicole's lawyer calls her back to tell her and the craziest thing happened next.

Nicole fired her lawyer.

Now we are not sure if the settlements on Debt or Parenting plan are intact, Nicole doesnt think they are, but beth is looking over the information to see how official it was. The negotiation was definitly real though, I am hoping she backed out too late.

This makes it even more clear that she is taking her boyfriends advice over her lawyers, this is the 2nd lawyer already and I cant imagine how her next lawyer will view all of this. She is totally out of control at this point.

So hopefully we will get a new trial date set in place, I am proceeding with my plans to move ASAP regardless. This only hurts Nicoles case even further.

There is still that chance that those deals were put into place officially, though it would infuriate Nicole and cause some trouble, its a good place to start.

I hate that this is not over and I am stunned at Nicole's firing of her lawyer, but ultimatly nothing hurt me today. She is stupidly trying to get me to let her take them for Spring Break now, but between her behavior today and the fact that she had them for 2 weeks at Christmas (even though she broke that deal) Ive said no, twice.

Anyway, I hope everyone else is doing alright. My friend and I are thinking about going out drinking tommarow night, neither one of us have ever been to the bars in Pullman though. This isn't 100% for certain yet though, we are still figuring out what we want to do.

Feeling Great

I can't tell you how good I am feeling right now. I went over my Testimony with my lawyer yesterday and I was totally nervous about it. Its going to be really weird going over everything like that with an Audience. I felt kind of sick to my stomach, but I am sure I will be calm and collected come Tuesday.

Maybe facing it like that was the best 'medicine' because I am feeling great today! This day is tied for the closest I have ever been to divorce. Last time my trial was cancelled 3 days prior to the date of the trial, and today is 3 days before the new date. Tommarow I will be closer than I have ever been to Divorce!

Its going to happen this time, Nicole is flying in late Monday night (and flying out mid day Thursday).

As described in a previous blog, I felt this good 3 days before the last date. Perhaps it is the calm before the storm? I would probably stutter and shake and throw up before a boxing match, but put me in that Ring and you will get Passion and Determination from me at the very least.

Im going to head down and go shopping for some new clothes for the boys and then have dinner with my grandparents tonight. Spend the night there and then head down to my Uncle's Bistro for Braydon's 2nd birthday party!

At the moment though I am going to go over my friend's new business plan.

Have a Great Weekend!

Quick Update about my Last Blog

So to confuse the situation more, Nicole's Lawyer asked my Lawyer today if some of Our previous offers were still possabilities. Either Nicole is all talk or I am hitting the head right on the nail when I say that she and her lawyer are no where near on the same page as one another.

So I will send her lawyer copies of our previous offers again and see what the results are.

Emotional Implosion

Before I get into all the crap I want to say about stuff I want to mention an update about my car situation.

I got word today that there was $3500 worth of damage done to my car, and they are going to fix it (and not Total it out), which is good, that is what I wanted. It will be done by next Friday they said, which means I get this sweet rental through my divorce!

The rental they gave me is a Pontiac G6 GT Coup. Its pretty cool, though I kind of feel blind in it a little, and its so small that my head nearly touches the roof of the car. Click on This Text to go to Pontiac's website and see what I'll be driving for the next two weeks!

I mentioned my trial. Its so close now.. Today is tuesday so my trial is 1 week away officially (again). My trial is Tuesday and Wednesday next week.

I would like to tell you it gets easier every time. This will be the third date my trial is scheduled for and each time I have gotten to this point thinking its about to happen. Becoming a nervous wreck not knowing what will come of all of this. I have evolved, I am stronger, but nothing can change the way this moment of my life feels, and how it has felt the previous two times I have stood here.

The last time, in november, it was literally the friday before my monday trial that it got canceled. THE business day before. Knowing that the very next weekday would be my trial I felt somethng different. The whole week before my previous two trial dates I became overly paranoid about things, extremely nervous and anxious and in many ways depressed. But on that day, the day I considered to be the point of no return.. I felt excited. Excited for it to all be over, excited to finally see the results.

I have no doubt I will feel that excitment again come Monday. Until then, the anxiety in my gut has grown. Worse then ever before. Yesterday I was fine, but today I started thinking about it all and then I just had the most horrid conversation with Nicole.. Unless I lose, this will never end.

Perhaps you aren't fully grasping how that last statement makes me feel. In my mind it runs through like a very ghostly sounding eerie warning. "Unless I lose, this will never end." Like the warnings given to Ebineezer Scrooge by his former partner in A Christmas Carol.

I can not lose. If I lose, My children lose. I believe that will all of my heart. I have been raising them both since they were babies, without their mother for nearly 2 years now. They belong here, with me.

I want lots of things in life, a girlfriend who could eventually become my wife and mother to more children, to write a novel, to run my own business, but there is nothing in my life that I want more than to activly raise my children and be the father they deserve. That is mainly for my boys Jadon and Tristan, but it goes for any future children I might have as well. That is not only who I am, that it who I have always been and who I will always be.

Nicole sent us a settlement offer. The first one in 11 months, 1 week before the 3rd trial date. Despite that things look to be in my favor more and more she had the nerve to put forth a totally unrealistic offer giving me 50/50 custody if I agree to move to Phoenix.

I tried to be delicate when I told her the answer tonight, but that didn't matter, she immediatly launched into this argument where throughout the entire thing she maintained the most condecending tone I have ever heard her muster. Speaking to me almost as if I were a child. Insulting me about "living with my mom". Telling me that the "lifestyle" she can provide the kids is important.

I swear sometimes, and in the past I have sworn quite a lot, but I try not too as it is habitual and rubs off on the wrong two little people if I am not careful. But God Damnit I want to fucking swear. I want to freaking scream and shout and stomp my feat. Essentially I want to throw a fit, which I assume was partially her goal.

Do not fret, I maintained most of my cool throughout. I feel insulted by the living situation comment solely because it is below the belt and it hurts that she would take this so far. In truth, I am not ashamed to be living with my mom. She has been a tremendous help to me in a very trying time of my life. I dont want to live here anymore though, but in truth the main thing I have been waiting for is this trial. Which was originally scheduled for August of last year.

I had no choice but to point out that she doesnt make much more money than I do and the "lifestyle" in question is not as important as she is indicating to me, nor is she actually capable of providing it. I explained to her that without her boyfriend she would not even have the ability (financial or otherwise) to standup to me and that he is the sole reason for her "lifestyle" and how secure would it be for our children if they broke up and the boys "lifestyles" suddenly took a dramatic turn.

She very condesendingly and threateningly explained to me that she is going to make this go on for as long as she can and be as expensive as possible.

I could hear her boyfriend feeding her bullshit in the background. As usual I could not make out what he was saying.

The thing that pisses me off the most is her in ability to see the truth. She takes the facts and distorts them to make herself look better and when I simply try to state the facts she says I am "putting a spin on it"

She claims that she has never tried to take my rights away from me. She claims I have been trying to take her rights away from her.

Here is a summary, and I will try to keep this as deviod of opinion as I am currently able, of what I have done and what she has done so far.

I filed for divorce.

I filed to become Jadon's De Facto Parent so that when a Judge makes a decision as to the best interests of the children that makes me eligible to recieve custody of both Children.

She filed to prevent me from being Jadon's De Facto Parent. This would have resulted in me automatically losing Jadon and I would be subject solely to her when it came to seeing or even speaking to him.

Since the last attempt failed, she tried the above paragraph again, which would have resulted in Jadon's kindergarten year being interupted and he and his brother would have been seperated. Again, I would be subject solely to her if I ever wanted to see or hear from Jadon again.

Ok, that would be the basics of it. Those are all the main moves involved. There havent been a lot but it is a ton of paperwork and time. Each time she tried the above it delayed our trial as well.

So as you can see, I feel that I am not "spinning" it by saying that all I have done is try to make sure I have the rights neccessary to be considered as the boys custodial parent when it comes time for the judge to decide what is best.

Every move Nicole has made has been to prevent me from having those rights, even though she somehow "doesnt see it that way". She is trying to win by making sure that when we go to trial I don't have the rights neccessary to even be considered.

Her lack of respect for the facts and her inability to see how horrible of a person she has become infuriates me.

I must win this, she doesnt even care if her lawyer doesnt wish to continue, she will get other lawyers and she will continue this despite two lawyers already trying to get her to settle in my favor.

They all know that I have a very very good chance of winning in court.

Since May of 2006 I have been their primary caretaker. Including some time we were still "married" at the beginning of 2006 Nicole has been in their life for only 32 weeks (the equivilent of 8 months) of the last 107 weeks. I have been in their life for 85 weeks of the last 107 weeks. For her 32 weeks, and my 85 weeks, 9 of those weeks overlapped.

Without me she had them for 2 months when this all started, then she didnt "have" them again until over a year had passed and she had them for another 2 months during the summer of 2007, and then she had them for 2 weeks this last christmas. Those are the ONLY times she has had them since our seperation. I have raised them. I have kept them active in sports and school. I have taught them things and played with them, I have been helping Jadon through his homework. I have kept them fed and clothed. They have been able to spend countless hours and days with cousins and uncles/aunts, and esspecially Grandparents and Great Grandparents.

I can not lose, I will not lose. Fatherhood is my destiny, one which I grasp onto whole-heartedly. I love being a Father. I Love my boys.

In closing, even though I let people on my friends list see this, I generally do write this more like a diary (though in letter format). It has worked, I feel better just having gotten some of this out. Thank you for reading. Thank you for your support.

7 days left...

Babies

:-(

I was just looking over the baby clothes at the websites for Old Navy, Baby Gap, The Children's Place and Baby's R Us.

I can't wait for my boys to jump up to the next size bracket (Jadon is kind of there right now, I am buying it for him and its just a little long on him). But Baby clothes are just so cute and fun to buy. Dressing babies and just walking around to show off that you've got a cute baby is so much fun!

Anyway, Im off to bed. Super Bowl time in the morning!