Emotional Implosion

Before I get into all the crap I want to say about stuff I want to mention an update about my car situation.

I got word today that there was $3500 worth of damage done to my car, and they are going to fix it (and not Total it out), which is good, that is what I wanted. It will be done by next Friday they said, which means I get this sweet rental through my divorce!

The rental they gave me is a Pontiac G6 GT Coup. Its pretty cool, though I kind of feel blind in it a little, and its so small that my head nearly touches the roof of the car. Click on This Text to go to Pontiac's website and see what I'll be driving for the next two weeks!

I mentioned my trial. Its so close now.. Today is tuesday so my trial is 1 week away officially (again). My trial is Tuesday and Wednesday next week.

I would like to tell you it gets easier every time. This will be the third date my trial is scheduled for and each time I have gotten to this point thinking its about to happen. Becoming a nervous wreck not knowing what will come of all of this. I have evolved, I am stronger, but nothing can change the way this moment of my life feels, and how it has felt the previous two times I have stood here.

The last time, in november, it was literally the friday before my monday trial that it got canceled. THE business day before. Knowing that the very next weekday would be my trial I felt somethng different. The whole week before my previous two trial dates I became overly paranoid about things, extremely nervous and anxious and in many ways depressed. But on that day, the day I considered to be the point of no return.. I felt excited. Excited for it to all be over, excited to finally see the results.

I have no doubt I will feel that excitment again come Monday. Until then, the anxiety in my gut has grown. Worse then ever before. Yesterday I was fine, but today I started thinking about it all and then I just had the most horrid conversation with Nicole.. Unless I lose, this will never end.

Perhaps you aren't fully grasping how that last statement makes me feel. In my mind it runs through like a very ghostly sounding eerie warning. "Unless I lose, this will never end." Like the warnings given to Ebineezer Scrooge by his former partner in A Christmas Carol.

I can not lose. If I lose, My children lose. I believe that will all of my heart. I have been raising them both since they were babies, without their mother for nearly 2 years now. They belong here, with me.

I want lots of things in life, a girlfriend who could eventually become my wife and mother to more children, to write a novel, to run my own business, but there is nothing in my life that I want more than to activly raise my children and be the father they deserve. That is mainly for my boys Jadon and Tristan, but it goes for any future children I might have as well. That is not only who I am, that it who I have always been and who I will always be.

Nicole sent us a settlement offer. The first one in 11 months, 1 week before the 3rd trial date. Despite that things look to be in my favor more and more she had the nerve to put forth a totally unrealistic offer giving me 50/50 custody if I agree to move to Phoenix.

I tried to be delicate when I told her the answer tonight, but that didn't matter, she immediatly launched into this argument where throughout the entire thing she maintained the most condecending tone I have ever heard her muster. Speaking to me almost as if I were a child. Insulting me about "living with my mom". Telling me that the "lifestyle" she can provide the kids is important.

I swear sometimes, and in the past I have sworn quite a lot, but I try not too as it is habitual and rubs off on the wrong two little people if I am not careful. But God Damnit I want to fucking swear. I want to freaking scream and shout and stomp my feat. Essentially I want to throw a fit, which I assume was partially her goal.

Do not fret, I maintained most of my cool throughout. I feel insulted by the living situation comment solely because it is below the belt and it hurts that she would take this so far. In truth, I am not ashamed to be living with my mom. She has been a tremendous help to me in a very trying time of my life. I dont want to live here anymore though, but in truth the main thing I have been waiting for is this trial. Which was originally scheduled for August of last year.

I had no choice but to point out that she doesnt make much more money than I do and the "lifestyle" in question is not as important as she is indicating to me, nor is she actually capable of providing it. I explained to her that without her boyfriend she would not even have the ability (financial or otherwise) to standup to me and that he is the sole reason for her "lifestyle" and how secure would it be for our children if they broke up and the boys "lifestyles" suddenly took a dramatic turn.

She very condesendingly and threateningly explained to me that she is going to make this go on for as long as she can and be as expensive as possible.

I could hear her boyfriend feeding her bullshit in the background. As usual I could not make out what he was saying.

The thing that pisses me off the most is her in ability to see the truth. She takes the facts and distorts them to make herself look better and when I simply try to state the facts she says I am "putting a spin on it"

She claims that she has never tried to take my rights away from me. She claims I have been trying to take her rights away from her.

Here is a summary, and I will try to keep this as deviod of opinion as I am currently able, of what I have done and what she has done so far.

I filed for divorce.

I filed to become Jadon's De Facto Parent so that when a Judge makes a decision as to the best interests of the children that makes me eligible to recieve custody of both Children.

She filed to prevent me from being Jadon's De Facto Parent. This would have resulted in me automatically losing Jadon and I would be subject solely to her when it came to seeing or even speaking to him.

Since the last attempt failed, she tried the above paragraph again, which would have resulted in Jadon's kindergarten year being interupted and he and his brother would have been seperated. Again, I would be subject solely to her if I ever wanted to see or hear from Jadon again.

Ok, that would be the basics of it. Those are all the main moves involved. There havent been a lot but it is a ton of paperwork and time. Each time she tried the above it delayed our trial as well.

So as you can see, I feel that I am not "spinning" it by saying that all I have done is try to make sure I have the rights neccessary to be considered as the boys custodial parent when it comes time for the judge to decide what is best.

Every move Nicole has made has been to prevent me from having those rights, even though she somehow "doesnt see it that way". She is trying to win by making sure that when we go to trial I don't have the rights neccessary to even be considered.

Her lack of respect for the facts and her inability to see how horrible of a person she has become infuriates me.

I must win this, she doesnt even care if her lawyer doesnt wish to continue, she will get other lawyers and she will continue this despite two lawyers already trying to get her to settle in my favor.

They all know that I have a very very good chance of winning in court.

Since May of 2006 I have been their primary caretaker. Including some time we were still "married" at the beginning of 2006 Nicole has been in their life for only 32 weeks (the equivilent of 8 months) of the last 107 weeks. I have been in their life for 85 weeks of the last 107 weeks. For her 32 weeks, and my 85 weeks, 9 of those weeks overlapped.

Without me she had them for 2 months when this all started, then she didnt "have" them again until over a year had passed and she had them for another 2 months during the summer of 2007, and then she had them for 2 weeks this last christmas. Those are the ONLY times she has had them since our seperation. I have raised them. I have kept them active in sports and school. I have taught them things and played with them, I have been helping Jadon through his homework. I have kept them fed and clothed. They have been able to spend countless hours and days with cousins and uncles/aunts, and esspecially Grandparents and Great Grandparents.

I can not lose, I will not lose. Fatherhood is my destiny, one which I grasp onto whole-heartedly. I love being a Father. I Love my boys.

In closing, even though I let people on my friends list see this, I generally do write this more like a diary (though in letter format). It has worked, I feel better just having gotten some of this out. Thank you for reading. Thank you for your support.

7 days left...