loneliness

Every night right now I just feel so lonely. I long for some regular companionship. Im feeling really depressed, I feel like I dont have any friends I can talk to regularly anymore.

I feel like all I do is push people away from me. I think its only going to be worse once the boys go down to Phoenix too. I've never really had a core group of friends, and in less than two weeks the last friend I have in the area that I hang out with will be gone.

Im upset. Every night Im upset and lonely. I dont cry or anything, but I do feel on the verge half the time now. This feeling was enhanced after my friend Sarah's visit was over, but its always been there.

I love to be alone, but I need to be with people. I feel like I dont know how to make friends, and other than long distance, pretty soon I wont have any here. Its driving me crazy. I just want people I can hang out with a chat with, people to come over to the apartment and play games with and have dinner with occasionally.

And on top of that I want a girlfriend, someone that I can hang out with all the time, someone I can care about and who can return those feelings. And while I want to jump ahead of myself and talk about wanting to be married again, and wanting to have more kids or something, at the same moment I am deathly afraid of ending up in another doomed relationship.

I just need someone who I can do activities with, clean my house with, or at the very least talk to while I clean my house. Im so tired of just being alone on the time.

I feel like I am trying to be the best father I can be, but I dont feel like I know how to be anything else anymore, I dont feel like I have anyone in my life regularly that is just for me.

Ive wanted to call my grandma a lot this weekend. I miss her so much and I just want her to be proud of me, but right now I dont see how she could be, I cant even find how to be happy. I mean, I have my ideas, like the one in my last blog, but that seems more like a distant dream at this point.

Im miserable and unhappy and depressed and Im so tired of sitting down after my kids go to bed and feeling like there is just nothing more to my life. Why is it so hard for me to make/keep friends? Other than Russ, who will be gone in two weeks, I dont know anyone that lives anywhere near me that I could just call up and ask to come over and hang out. And I dont know how to change that.

I can barely get anything done because this feeling of loneliness is so oppressive. Its taken me three days just to re-organize my kitchen, when that should have taken a single night.

I feel unwanted.

I dont want to be alone anymore.