Well, I have no plans for New Years Eve, probably just going to watch some movies and have a good day off the next day.
I feel like I am being so dramatic all the time now, every little thing just sets me off. I've always been 'uptight' but dramatic was never the way one would describe me, far from it. I always just feel on edge now, every little thing becomes so very insulting to me.
I feel that the two primary things contributing to this state of mind are 1) My living situation and 2) The Delays of my divorce (and the reasons behind the delays).
When I moved here in April of 2006 the plan was for me to just work a couple months and live with my mom so I can save some money, then I was to move to Phoenix once I had saved enough to move our stuff down there. I was probably going to be living down there by the end of summer.
Obviously things changed quite a bit, but underneath it all I have been continuing to stay with my mom. All of our stuff has remained packed for 20 months, I had only kept out the very basic necessities (like clothes). I've lived in someone elses house for too long, I've never even really treated it like a home, eventually they made their office into my bedroom, but I am surrounded by their furniture, pictures of my Step-Dad's family. I've done what I can to make this feel like the boys' home, but it does not feel like mine, and I think that is because I have never let it.
I need my own home, I need to have my own pictures on the wall, pictures I haven't seen in far too long, I need my little ceramic Wizard Frog that always watched me type at the computer, with his little crystal ball that says "Courage". Speaking of which, I need my Courage back. I feel like I am holding myself back, like I can't make it without a 'partner'. And that is not why I want a girlfriend, by the way.
That 'courage' segue was wholly unintentional. I am going crazy living here, what am I going to do with a girl anyway? Bring her back to my Mom's place once we get to that point of our relationship? Maybe bring her into my 8'x8' bedroom that has 4'x4' worth of free floor space if you take the chair out of it!?!
I wouldn't say I feel homeless, that would be inaccurate. My mom and Rick have provided us with a very stable living envioronment, I just don't feel comfortable here, I don't feel like its my "safe haven" it just doesn't feel like a home. And I feel it has finally started to drive me crazy.
I think I was able to keep it together pretty well for awhile, once I filed for divorce I had clear goals in mind and things seemed to be moving fast. I was a nervous wreck ofcourse, but I was fighting a huge uphill battle that my lawyer and I didn't believe I could win at first.
The problem is that I should have been divorced 4 months ago. I am surrounded with the unknown, once things are decided, regardless of the outcome, I can deal with it, I will be able to move forward instead of standing stagnant. Its going to be 2 more months before my next scheduled trial date, and with the 2 prior delays I dont feel like its very solid.
I guess I just want to say I am sorry. To everyone, I am so centered around my own 'situation' all the time, it is always on my mind, it is always effecting my mood and attitude every day. Sometimes I unintentionally ignore people, sometimes I come on way too strong, sometimes I don't come forward at all. All my emotions, even basic ones, just feel so uninhibited at times, raw.
On that note, I am going to bed.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Merry Christmas
I was not prepared for just how horrid this Christmas was going to be without my children.
At the airport on Sunday I gave my kids as many hugs and kisses as I could before they left. I watched them walk through security, tears welling up in my eyes as they turned out of sight. It was a lonely drive home.
I miss them so much, I only got to speak to each one of them for a few seconds, I don't even know what they got for Christmas down there, and I am afraid that Nicole bought a present for Tristan that I got him as his present from Santa Claus. If she did, she did so knowing I had already gotten it for him and that I wasn't giving it to him until they return on January 6th. I hope I am wrong though, it would be an entirely new low for Nicole. We arranged for a specific time for me to call and she never answered, over an hour later all got was rushed "Hi Daddy" 's from them as they got ready to go to the next place on their busy christmas day schedule. She had 'Eric' give them haircuts even though I told her I didn't want much cut off because its winter and there is no need for them to be walking around with so little hair on their heads. Did she listen? no.
She is also still arguing with me that it was ok for her to take them to see the Simpsons movie even though it has tons of minor swearing, violence, sexual humor and even shows a glimpse of Bart's penis. I don't even let them watch the TV show, let alone the movie. Fuck, South Park bleeps out most of the words, I might as well let them watch that! Oh thats right, I actually give deep and meaningful thought to the way I raise my children, as oppose to "buy them whatever I can to keep them as happy as possible", Like Mother Like Daughter. But at least its not her money right?
What? Am I being too harsh?
Today sucked, Christmas totally sucked this year. I wasn't depressed, but I just didn't want to participate. I still had fun playing games and opening presents, but I just didn't want to be there at all. Its the beginning of the end! What am I supposed to do? go about my life whenever my children aren't present? Make plans for christmas that I happen to include them in on the years "I" get them?
Sure, I want to open up and spread out, have my own life outside of my kids, but still dedicate that life to them. How am I supposed to do that? I girlfriend would help I suppose, but I have a better chance of attracting flys.
Russ comes onto me more than any girl ever has, and I suppose that is my fault. I either don't say enough to them or I say way too damned much.
Is dinner too much to ask? Am I down on one knee holding up a ring on our first date or something? At this rate I'll never have another girlfriend unless I meet a girl that likes me and happens to be rather forward on her own. I'm sorry lady, I don't know how to introduce myself to you without drooling. Yes, I want to stop staring at your breats, but I know that as soon as I do I will say something incredibly stupid, and yes I would rather look like an asshole than a dumbass.
God, I am so frustrated. I hold myself back so much, I am afraid of holding my children back as well. I am a good father and I know this, I love my children, I provide for them and I fight for them. I will never stop doing any of those things.
Is it too much to ask that I can go on a date without talking about the fact that I want to get married again someday, have more kids? Yes, for our first date I want to concieve our first child together and while we are in the middle of the 'conception process' I want a priest standing over us performing our wedding ceremony.
You know what I want? I want to have more kids, and yes I do need a lady for that, hopefully one that is nice to me and wants to raise kids for the next 20 years like me. I want things for myself as well, I am taking steps as we speak to hopefully form the foundation for a Freelance Web Development career. I have also written the first several chapters of a book, though I haven't put down the discipline neccessary to get through it all the way yet. Sure, I am not going to be quitting my day job any time soon, but its time for me to start somewhere.
God damn, I want 6 or 8 kids! I dont know if thats true or not, 4 is always my 'practical' answer. I want to have a family, raise children, play with my grandchildren and then die. I could write 20 books, build the worlds best webpages and become a financial genius and make ga-jillions of dollars, but "having a family, raising my children and playing with my grandchildren" will always be the shining point of my life. The best thing I can do, doing it the best I can.
Im sorry, I am going back and forth on all sorts of issues. But I am Frustrated. I have been waiting so freakin long for the judges decision, trying to prepare what my reaction will be regardless of his judgement. Hoping that my trial won't be delayed AGAIN and that I can spend Valentines Day 2008 unmarried (note that I didn't use the word single *wink* *wink* ladies).
Ill probably post another blog soon, but here is a list:
Happy that I found my brother and sister
Thankful for being the primary caretaker of my children (so far)
Pissed that I am seperated from them for this WHOLE winter break
frustrated that I dont have a girlfriend, though I want one for several reasons
Happy that I am starting to get things back on track (though slowly)
I hope everyone's christmas was fun, I went winless for games this time around but I was bidding in pinocle like a freakin madman. I had fun, despite all this crap exploding out of me in this blog. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
At the airport on Sunday I gave my kids as many hugs and kisses as I could before they left. I watched them walk through security, tears welling up in my eyes as they turned out of sight. It was a lonely drive home.
I miss them so much, I only got to speak to each one of them for a few seconds, I don't even know what they got for Christmas down there, and I am afraid that Nicole bought a present for Tristan that I got him as his present from Santa Claus. If she did, she did so knowing I had already gotten it for him and that I wasn't giving it to him until they return on January 6th. I hope I am wrong though, it would be an entirely new low for Nicole. We arranged for a specific time for me to call and she never answered, over an hour later all got was rushed "Hi Daddy" 's from them as they got ready to go to the next place on their busy christmas day schedule. She had 'Eric' give them haircuts even though I told her I didn't want much cut off because its winter and there is no need for them to be walking around with so little hair on their heads. Did she listen? no.
She is also still arguing with me that it was ok for her to take them to see the Simpsons movie even though it has tons of minor swearing, violence, sexual humor and even shows a glimpse of Bart's penis. I don't even let them watch the TV show, let alone the movie. Fuck, South Park bleeps out most of the words, I might as well let them watch that! Oh thats right, I actually give deep and meaningful thought to the way I raise my children, as oppose to "buy them whatever I can to keep them as happy as possible", Like Mother Like Daughter. But at least its not her money right?
What? Am I being too harsh?
Today sucked, Christmas totally sucked this year. I wasn't depressed, but I just didn't want to participate. I still had fun playing games and opening presents, but I just didn't want to be there at all. Its the beginning of the end! What am I supposed to do? go about my life whenever my children aren't present? Make plans for christmas that I happen to include them in on the years "I" get them?
Sure, I want to open up and spread out, have my own life outside of my kids, but still dedicate that life to them. How am I supposed to do that? I girlfriend would help I suppose, but I have a better chance of attracting flys.
Russ comes onto me more than any girl ever has, and I suppose that is my fault. I either don't say enough to them or I say way too damned much.
Is dinner too much to ask? Am I down on one knee holding up a ring on our first date or something? At this rate I'll never have another girlfriend unless I meet a girl that likes me and happens to be rather forward on her own. I'm sorry lady, I don't know how to introduce myself to you without drooling. Yes, I want to stop staring at your breats, but I know that as soon as I do I will say something incredibly stupid, and yes I would rather look like an asshole than a dumbass.
God, I am so frustrated. I hold myself back so much, I am afraid of holding my children back as well. I am a good father and I know this, I love my children, I provide for them and I fight for them. I will never stop doing any of those things.
Is it too much to ask that I can go on a date without talking about the fact that I want to get married again someday, have more kids? Yes, for our first date I want to concieve our first child together and while we are in the middle of the 'conception process' I want a priest standing over us performing our wedding ceremony.
You know what I want? I want to have more kids, and yes I do need a lady for that, hopefully one that is nice to me and wants to raise kids for the next 20 years like me. I want things for myself as well, I am taking steps as we speak to hopefully form the foundation for a Freelance Web Development career. I have also written the first several chapters of a book, though I haven't put down the discipline neccessary to get through it all the way yet. Sure, I am not going to be quitting my day job any time soon, but its time for me to start somewhere.
God damn, I want 6 or 8 kids! I dont know if thats true or not, 4 is always my 'practical' answer. I want to have a family, raise children, play with my grandchildren and then die. I could write 20 books, build the worlds best webpages and become a financial genius and make ga-jillions of dollars, but "having a family, raising my children and playing with my grandchildren" will always be the shining point of my life. The best thing I can do, doing it the best I can.
Im sorry, I am going back and forth on all sorts of issues. But I am Frustrated. I have been waiting so freakin long for the judges decision, trying to prepare what my reaction will be regardless of his judgement. Hoping that my trial won't be delayed AGAIN and that I can spend Valentines Day 2008 unmarried (note that I didn't use the word single *wink* *wink* ladies).
Ill probably post another blog soon, but here is a list:
Happy that I found my brother and sister
Thankful for being the primary caretaker of my children (so far)
Pissed that I am seperated from them for this WHOLE winter break
frustrated that I dont have a girlfriend, though I want one for several reasons
Happy that I am starting to get things back on track (though slowly)
I hope everyone's christmas was fun, I went winless for games this time around but I was bidding in pinocle like a freakin madman. I had fun, despite all this crap exploding out of me in this blog. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Cookies
So I've been chatting with my brother Kyle online fairly often since we found each other on MySpace, my sister Shawnna added me to her friends list so hopfully we will start chatting too. I am pretty excited about the possabilities. I never had a dad, not really, I see pictures of him on their MySpace accounts and he doesn't even look familiar to me. Aside from when I was an infant, I have seen him only twice in my life. I've only met Shawnna and Kyle once, 14 years ago when they were 4 and 1, now they are 18 and 15!
Now that I have re-completed my collection of Friends, I am about to jump into season 9! I am super excited!
I don't really have too much to say right now, I am just running around bored on the internet. Randomly searching for people I know, have known or might know. I think I've found a few people I work with.
I am feeling almost sick to my stomach though, my first Christmas without the boys.. They will be leaving in less than 48 hours and they will be gone until the 6th of January, this totally sucks. I am going to have a lot of free time on my hands, but I cherish the moments I have with my kids. They will be coming back up again though, 2 weeks isn't that long of a time right? I'll find something to keep me busy. Ofcourse the best part is I get to hang out with my ex-wife for several hours while we wait for their plane lol, I'm sure we'll get along.
The boys and I made a bunch of Christmas cookies tonight and then sat down to watch Underdog together, Friday nights are movie nights! Normally Saturday nights are game nights, but tommarow we will be in Coeur d'Alene having a mini-christmas with my best friend (and cousin), we will hopefully have a chance to check out the Resort's christmas lights too!
I mentioned in an earlier blog that I was thinking about waiting before considering dating again, but I don't think waiting is neccessary. I just need to make sure to keep it local and keep it simple, not that it can't be serious or become serious, just a simple start would be nice though. Someone I have things in common with.
Now that I have re-completed my collection of Friends, I am about to jump into season 9! I am super excited!
I don't really have too much to say right now, I am just running around bored on the internet. Randomly searching for people I know, have known or might know. I think I've found a few people I work with.
I am feeling almost sick to my stomach though, my first Christmas without the boys.. They will be leaving in less than 48 hours and they will be gone until the 6th of January, this totally sucks. I am going to have a lot of free time on my hands, but I cherish the moments I have with my kids. They will be coming back up again though, 2 weeks isn't that long of a time right? I'll find something to keep me busy. Ofcourse the best part is I get to hang out with my ex-wife for several hours while we wait for their plane lol, I'm sure we'll get along.
The boys and I made a bunch of Christmas cookies tonight and then sat down to watch Underdog together, Friday nights are movie nights! Normally Saturday nights are game nights, but tommarow we will be in Coeur d'Alene having a mini-christmas with my best friend (and cousin), we will hopefully have a chance to check out the Resort's christmas lights too!
I mentioned in an earlier blog that I was thinking about waiting before considering dating again, but I don't think waiting is neccessary. I just need to make sure to keep it local and keep it simple, not that it can't be serious or become serious, just a simple start would be nice though. Someone I have things in common with.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
I guess I like Friends
Well, I have completed my collection of Friend's for the 2nd time. The only thing I am missing now is a particular disc from Season 5. Friend's is such an awesome TV series, my addiction to it is humerous to some I suppose. I am not ashamed and now I just need to make sure I aquire the Scene It! Friend's Edition DVD game.
I won a miniature painting competition up in Coeur d'Alene, I submitted my Orc Shaman into the Amateur Division. I'm pretty psyched about it.
On a cool note I managed to get in contact with my brother Kyle, I've sent a message off to our sister Shawnna as well and I hope I can start communicating with her too. She is 18 and he is 15, he is a freshman in High School and learning to drive, she just moved out on her own and is going to Walla Walla Community College.
I just recorded two hour long specials on the BBC, Eddie Izzard! I LOVE Standup Comedy but I hand't really heard of him until a friend of mine introduced him to me earlier this year. I think one of them is the TV special that I have a CD version of.
Well, on a more serious note to followup my last few blogs. Today is Sunday, my boys are leaving for Phoenix in a week exactly. They are supposed to come back 2 weeks later on January 6th. When they went down there for the summer Nicole tried some shit with her lawyer in the last couple weeks. It didn't work but I won't put it past her again.
On a more pressing issue, if the judge's decision comes anytime in the next three weeks and he decides in her favor than Jadon may not be coming back from Phoenix... so I will probably be holding my breath quite a lot.
I won a miniature painting competition up in Coeur d'Alene, I submitted my Orc Shaman into the Amateur Division. I'm pretty psyched about it.
On a cool note I managed to get in contact with my brother Kyle, I've sent a message off to our sister Shawnna as well and I hope I can start communicating with her too. She is 18 and he is 15, he is a freshman in High School and learning to drive, she just moved out on her own and is going to Walla Walla Community College.
I just recorded two hour long specials on the BBC, Eddie Izzard! I LOVE Standup Comedy but I hand't really heard of him until a friend of mine introduced him to me earlier this year. I think one of them is the TV special that I have a CD version of.
Well, on a more serious note to followup my last few blogs. Today is Sunday, my boys are leaving for Phoenix in a week exactly. They are supposed to come back 2 weeks later on January 6th. When they went down there for the summer Nicole tried some shit with her lawyer in the last couple weeks. It didn't work but I won't put it past her again.
On a more pressing issue, if the judge's decision comes anytime in the next three weeks and he decides in her favor than Jadon may not be coming back from Phoenix... so I will probably be holding my breath quite a lot.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Fear & Progress
Well, wednesday night was awesome! The daycare had a christmas dinner, each class got up in front of everyone and sang too! The Bears (Tristan's class) sang the ABCs and Jingle Bells (while the little dinos used bells). The Firebirds (Jadon's class) sang Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. It was totally awesome, I got it on video and I will post it as soon as I've edited it together.
Jadon and Tristan are both doing great with their letters (identifying them, pronouncing them and writing them). Jadon esspecially has made some significant progress, once his teacher and I agreed that he was afraid of answering questions incorrectly, we unlocked a wealth of knowledge he was afraid to use.
The boys are going down to Arizona for Winter break. They will be gone from Sunday December 23rd thru Sunday January 6th... long time, I only get 1 day of the break... Its stupid but it would have gone all the way to a hearing and with everything else going on I just didn't want to deal with court again so soon.
I don't know what to say really, so much has been weighing on my mind since the hearing. I feel more stressed now than at any point during this entire process. My chances are still good, and the process is far from over, but I feel very defeated right now. I don't even know how to continue the fight.
Its not the chance of losing that bothers me, when I started this process I was skeptical that I would even have a chance to win at all. What has ultimatly defeated me is the realization of just how far Nicole is willing to take this. The lies she submitted to the court when this process began were nothing compared to trying to seperate the kids. She knows full well I am Jadon's father and agrees that I should continue in that capacity and she even agrees that I deserve rights as his father. But she is willing to trample over all of that to win.
She agrees seperating the boys at such a monumental and sketchy time in their life could be horrible to both of them, yet she is more than willing to do it to win.
Partly this makes me feel even more determined to fight for what I believe to be right, but despite that it crushes me.
I am at a significant crossroads in this process. I can make a deal with Nicole that would secure my adoption of Jadon, that would get me 50/50 custody of both boys and allow the kids to stay up in Washington until the end of the school year. As long as I agree to move to Phoenix Arizona before the end of the summer of 2008.
I say it is a crossroads because there are three different possabilities.
1) I propose a deal similar to the one above right now while we are waiting to hear the judges decision about my rights to Jadon. Hopefully having enough legel weight to convince Nicole to give me primary custody while in Phoenix instead of 50/50.
or I wait to hear the decision, which is what a friend and my lawyer both feel I should do.
2) We hear the decision and it is against me. I lose Jadon, but propose the deal above and hope she agrees instead of pushing it to trial (she would agree to it, in fact she is ecstatic at the idea).
This is what I wish to prevent, I can't risk losing Jadon. Its too big of a risk.
3) We hear the decision and it is for me, I could potentially move on to secure a full victory in trial.
With the last option though, there is still reason to consider avoiding the trial and proposing this deal (much easier to convince Nicole of agreeing to give me primary custody if I move). I don't know if I could survive an appeal. She hasn't spoken about this, but if she is willing to totally trample all over our children to win than I feel she would definitly be willing to push this to the Court of Appeals. My lawyer is confident that they would not overturn our judges decision (he has had very few decisions overturned). My main concern is if she would even represent me, and if she couldn't than I could't defend against an appeal. She said, and I quote, "I've never done an appeal, I don't do them".
When I spoke with her about my concerns in this regard she kind of half indicated that she would represent me if it went that far, but she didn't come out and say it and it still feels unsecured to me.
I feel like I just want to end this and control it as much as I can in the process. I want to get the most important things (not interupting the school year, not seperating the kids, adopting Jadon, having 50/50 or primary custody) and protect the kids from a never ending divorce where their mother has only acted in her own interests and not our childrens.
So right now I wait. Ill probably be posting it pretty quick once we hear the judges decision, which could come at any time between now and Mid-February.
On a final note, I've decided to not worry about dating at all until this is fully resolved. While I am interested in someone right now and I would love it if she wanted to be a part of my life, she just doesn't. I mean, there is no point in starting something if the chances are high that I will be moving 1500 miles away anyway. And even if we did I couldn't picture her, or anyone, moving that far away with me after such a short span of time.
Jadon and Tristan are both doing great with their letters (identifying them, pronouncing them and writing them). Jadon esspecially has made some significant progress, once his teacher and I agreed that he was afraid of answering questions incorrectly, we unlocked a wealth of knowledge he was afraid to use.
The boys are going down to Arizona for Winter break. They will be gone from Sunday December 23rd thru Sunday January 6th... long time, I only get 1 day of the break... Its stupid but it would have gone all the way to a hearing and with everything else going on I just didn't want to deal with court again so soon.
I don't know what to say really, so much has been weighing on my mind since the hearing. I feel more stressed now than at any point during this entire process. My chances are still good, and the process is far from over, but I feel very defeated right now. I don't even know how to continue the fight.
Its not the chance of losing that bothers me, when I started this process I was skeptical that I would even have a chance to win at all. What has ultimatly defeated me is the realization of just how far Nicole is willing to take this. The lies she submitted to the court when this process began were nothing compared to trying to seperate the kids. She knows full well I am Jadon's father and agrees that I should continue in that capacity and she even agrees that I deserve rights as his father. But she is willing to trample over all of that to win.
She agrees seperating the boys at such a monumental and sketchy time in their life could be horrible to both of them, yet she is more than willing to do it to win.
Partly this makes me feel even more determined to fight for what I believe to be right, but despite that it crushes me.
I am at a significant crossroads in this process. I can make a deal with Nicole that would secure my adoption of Jadon, that would get me 50/50 custody of both boys and allow the kids to stay up in Washington until the end of the school year. As long as I agree to move to Phoenix Arizona before the end of the summer of 2008.
I say it is a crossroads because there are three different possabilities.
1) I propose a deal similar to the one above right now while we are waiting to hear the judges decision about my rights to Jadon. Hopefully having enough legel weight to convince Nicole to give me primary custody while in Phoenix instead of 50/50.
or I wait to hear the decision, which is what a friend and my lawyer both feel I should do.
2) We hear the decision and it is against me. I lose Jadon, but propose the deal above and hope she agrees instead of pushing it to trial (she would agree to it, in fact she is ecstatic at the idea).
This is what I wish to prevent, I can't risk losing Jadon. Its too big of a risk.
3) We hear the decision and it is for me, I could potentially move on to secure a full victory in trial.
With the last option though, there is still reason to consider avoiding the trial and proposing this deal (much easier to convince Nicole of agreeing to give me primary custody if I move). I don't know if I could survive an appeal. She hasn't spoken about this, but if she is willing to totally trample all over our children to win than I feel she would definitly be willing to push this to the Court of Appeals. My lawyer is confident that they would not overturn our judges decision (he has had very few decisions overturned). My main concern is if she would even represent me, and if she couldn't than I could't defend against an appeal. She said, and I quote, "I've never done an appeal, I don't do them".
When I spoke with her about my concerns in this regard she kind of half indicated that she would represent me if it went that far, but she didn't come out and say it and it still feels unsecured to me.
I feel like I just want to end this and control it as much as I can in the process. I want to get the most important things (not interupting the school year, not seperating the kids, adopting Jadon, having 50/50 or primary custody) and protect the kids from a never ending divorce where their mother has only acted in her own interests and not our childrens.
So right now I wait. Ill probably be posting it pretty quick once we hear the judges decision, which could come at any time between now and Mid-February.
On a final note, I've decided to not worry about dating at all until this is fully resolved. While I am interested in someone right now and I would love it if she wanted to be a part of my life, she just doesn't. I mean, there is no point in starting something if the chances are high that I will be moving 1500 miles away anyway. And even if we did I couldn't picture her, or anyone, moving that far away with me after such a short span of time.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Hard Day
I have to admit, aside from brief descriptions to summarize the event, or merely saying it happened, I haven't thought much or talked much about when I finally found out Nicole was cheating on me.
I was sitting at work today and I don't even know what happened, I just started thinking about it and I didn't realize how much pain it still made me feel.
After Nicole moved to Phoenix we talked on the phone a lot, almost everyday. Aside from the distance it felt like we were still together to a certain degree and we would even have a little bit of "phone sex" from time to time. From time to time the idea of "breaking up" would be discussed, but ultimately I wanted us to find a way to be together again and work out our problems as a family.
Nicole was having some issues and I missed the boys terribly so we agreed they should come up and stay with me. When we saw each other finally after 2 months apart she didn't even want to hug me or anything, it made me feel very uneasy as it was sharply contrasted to our conversations. 2 weeks later she called me and told me in a very difinitive tone that she wanted a Divorce.
I still stuck to the idea of us "working it out" and she caved into the ideas a bit, but she would bring divorce up as an idea fairly reguarly. I also started getting the feeling that she was starting to see other people but she would tell me she wasn't, sometimes I would even guess at a specific person (her supervisor from Qwest) and she would say no. I became very supicious but ultimatly I came up with a plan for us to get back together for 1 full year, get into couple's therapy and really try, I was even willing to move to Phoenix. She did not say no to this plan, she said she would think about it. This was about 2 weeks prior to Jadon's 5th birthday in October of 2006.
As part of me offering this deal I also decided in my mind to set my suspicions aside and trust what she was telling me. We planned for her to come up for Jadon's birthday party, over the next 2 weeks we spoke about the possability of this plan and she never said no to it or gave any indication that it was off the table. Then, on Friday October 6th she arrived at the airport.
She acted strangly around me and didn't hug me or anything, I was already crying because I hadn't seen my wife since May, and that was just for a moment, I hadn't spent any time with her since the very beginning of March. I was hoping this weekend would be a first step towards really reconciling and hopefully lead to us getting back together.
She had a weird looking suitcase with her and I asked who's it was, she said it was her friend Wendy's (who is real) and while I was skeptical I believed her. She was also texting someone a lot who she also said was Wendy, which I really did believe (though it turned out to be Eric the whole time). So we are driving down to Clarkston from Spokane, the boys are asleep and she and I start to talk.
I stupidly decide I want some confirmation from her in person and I ask her if she has been seeing anyone.. her response shattered my mind and my heart.. the answer was yes.
She indicated she had started seeing someone "casually", I immediatly fell apart. I immediatly asked if it was Erik, and she said no. Her first story was that she was dating someone casually, they had been on 12 dinner dates and hadn't slept together yet. Immediatly this didn't click in my mind as a plausible answer so I dugg deeper, each time she answered she revealed some truth but more lies. The final story, which I pieced together over the course of the weekend and the week after she left, is that as soon as the kids were gone she began dating her ex-supervisor Erik, within 2 weeks they were living together.. (which if you read above coincides with when she called me and told me she definitly wanted a divorce).
The weekend was horrible, I was in tears nearly the whole time, I completely segregated myself from my family and I nearly ruined Jadon's birthday party. I cried myself to sleep every night for the next couple weeks, and esspecially while Nicole was there. I couldn't even control myself I would just break down sobbing and crying. As hard as the last 7 months had been, this was my breaking point. Ever since then I have been different emotionally, all my walls and bariers have dissipated and see me and my emotions in their raw form, even now.
Recalling this unexpectedly while at work took me by suprise, it was like suddenly remembering some long forgotten nightmare.
I am over Nicole, I am over our marriage, I wish this divorce would just end. But regardless, I will carry the pain of her betrayal with me forever.
I was sitting at work today and I don't even know what happened, I just started thinking about it and I didn't realize how much pain it still made me feel.
After Nicole moved to Phoenix we talked on the phone a lot, almost everyday. Aside from the distance it felt like we were still together to a certain degree and we would even have a little bit of "phone sex" from time to time. From time to time the idea of "breaking up" would be discussed, but ultimately I wanted us to find a way to be together again and work out our problems as a family.
Nicole was having some issues and I missed the boys terribly so we agreed they should come up and stay with me. When we saw each other finally after 2 months apart she didn't even want to hug me or anything, it made me feel very uneasy as it was sharply contrasted to our conversations. 2 weeks later she called me and told me in a very difinitive tone that she wanted a Divorce.
I still stuck to the idea of us "working it out" and she caved into the ideas a bit, but she would bring divorce up as an idea fairly reguarly. I also started getting the feeling that she was starting to see other people but she would tell me she wasn't, sometimes I would even guess at a specific person (her supervisor from Qwest) and she would say no. I became very supicious but ultimatly I came up with a plan for us to get back together for 1 full year, get into couple's therapy and really try, I was even willing to move to Phoenix. She did not say no to this plan, she said she would think about it. This was about 2 weeks prior to Jadon's 5th birthday in October of 2006.
As part of me offering this deal I also decided in my mind to set my suspicions aside and trust what she was telling me. We planned for her to come up for Jadon's birthday party, over the next 2 weeks we spoke about the possability of this plan and she never said no to it or gave any indication that it was off the table. Then, on Friday October 6th she arrived at the airport.
She acted strangly around me and didn't hug me or anything, I was already crying because I hadn't seen my wife since May, and that was just for a moment, I hadn't spent any time with her since the very beginning of March. I was hoping this weekend would be a first step towards really reconciling and hopefully lead to us getting back together.
She had a weird looking suitcase with her and I asked who's it was, she said it was her friend Wendy's (who is real) and while I was skeptical I believed her. She was also texting someone a lot who she also said was Wendy, which I really did believe (though it turned out to be Eric the whole time). So we are driving down to Clarkston from Spokane, the boys are asleep and she and I start to talk.
I stupidly decide I want some confirmation from her in person and I ask her if she has been seeing anyone.. her response shattered my mind and my heart.. the answer was yes.
She indicated she had started seeing someone "casually", I immediatly fell apart. I immediatly asked if it was Erik, and she said no. Her first story was that she was dating someone casually, they had been on 12 dinner dates and hadn't slept together yet. Immediatly this didn't click in my mind as a plausible answer so I dugg deeper, each time she answered she revealed some truth but more lies. The final story, which I pieced together over the course of the weekend and the week after she left, is that as soon as the kids were gone she began dating her ex-supervisor Erik, within 2 weeks they were living together.. (which if you read above coincides with when she called me and told me she definitly wanted a divorce).
The weekend was horrible, I was in tears nearly the whole time, I completely segregated myself from my family and I nearly ruined Jadon's birthday party. I cried myself to sleep every night for the next couple weeks, and esspecially while Nicole was there. I couldn't even control myself I would just break down sobbing and crying. As hard as the last 7 months had been, this was my breaking point. Ever since then I have been different emotionally, all my walls and bariers have dissipated and see me and my emotions in their raw form, even now.
Recalling this unexpectedly while at work took me by suprise, it was like suddenly remembering some long forgotten nightmare.
I am over Nicole, I am over our marriage, I wish this divorce would just end. But regardless, I will carry the pain of her betrayal with me forever.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
I can be an emotional person
Even as a child I was overly emotional. As I grew to be a teenager I had slowly become angry, and with all the deaths in my family in the 1990s, I ended up closing myself off. I became very un-emotional, very withdrawn. People I worked with and went to school with always asked me why I looked so angry all the time, I wasn't angry, but I always had a plain look on my face. I didn't walk around with my head up, didn't talk to people with a smile on my face.
All my life I have known I wanted children. I went through a lot of inner turmoil when I moved away from home, grew to be a stronger person than I had expected. When I became a Father, that was the best thing to ever happen in my life. Through the end of our marriage and the beginning of my divorce I realized I had been with a person that I did not want to be with. I had been with a person solely to enable that other thing which I cherished so dearly, Fatherhood.
Despite the circumstances, I loved marriage. I hope I can find the right girl to marry someday, I know the kind of girl I want, the kind of girl I feel would be a good match for me; I feel that I am unsure of wether I am a good match for that kind of girl or not. I feel like the only kind of girl that would be a match for me is someone that is the girl equivelent of myself. But she would not be interesting to me, I dont see how she could make me happy.
I can not double up on the half of my soul that already exists, I want someone different than myself but mysteriously familiar to me. Someone that completes me, someone who is my other half. Someone I can picture by my side through all facets of my life. Walking hand in hand through life, supporting each other, loving each other.
I want someone who will give me more children and love being a parent as much as I do. Someone I can picture laying on a couch, eating popcorn and watching a movie with. Someone I can picture sitting down for a big family dinner with. That someone who I can feel sitting next to me at my son's weddings or graduations. The woman that I will dance with at my wedding. The woman who's tears I will wipe away when she is sad, thst same woman who will hold me when I feel the same. The woman who I see holding my frail hand at next to my deathbed while I tell her that this is not the end, and that I will always love her. The Woman of my Dreams.
I can never stop thinking, never stop feeling. There is always so much on my mind, romance should be the last thing I should be thinking about. Ever since last night I have been feeling quite down. This morning I woke up early but just couldn't pull myself out of bed. All today I have been quiet, reserved, thoughtful, yet depressed and anxious.
The hearing I will be going to in the morning could literally make or break the rest of my trial. Even after 20 months since she left me, her inability to think and do what is best for our children shocks me. I have been raising my children for the last 18 months, they have been in solely my care for 16 of the last 18 months.
Everyone is more than certain that the chances of the Judge siding in my favor are extremely high. Throughout this whole case all I have ever tried to do is make sure that I have Parental Rights equivelent to that of Nicoles. To Prove that Nicole is the Antagonist of this story, all she ever tries to do is, carelessly and without regard for our children, prevent me from having the rights that I truly deserve. They have tried and failed, now a new court case has given them the opprotunity and a better basis for trying that again.
How is it good for Jadon or Tristan if I don't have any fatherly rights over Jadon? If this results in a loss and Jadon needs to be shipped off to Phoenix, how is seperating the boys good for them? How is taking Jadon out of Kindergarten good for him?
Despite the first few paragraphs, this is the real reason for my wishing to write a blog tonight. If I am interpreting my lawyer's confidence level correctly I give us a 50/50 chance to win at the hearing in the morning. If I lose I may very well give the court an oral statement, if I have the strength. And regardless of wether I win or lose I will be sending out an email to all of my family and friends, and all of Nicole's family and friends, Publicly denouncing her for the way she has conducted herself in this trial and the choices she had made that negativly effect my children.
I will post the results Monday evening.
All my life I have known I wanted children. I went through a lot of inner turmoil when I moved away from home, grew to be a stronger person than I had expected. When I became a Father, that was the best thing to ever happen in my life. Through the end of our marriage and the beginning of my divorce I realized I had been with a person that I did not want to be with. I had been with a person solely to enable that other thing which I cherished so dearly, Fatherhood.
Despite the circumstances, I loved marriage. I hope I can find the right girl to marry someday, I know the kind of girl I want, the kind of girl I feel would be a good match for me; I feel that I am unsure of wether I am a good match for that kind of girl or not. I feel like the only kind of girl that would be a match for me is someone that is the girl equivelent of myself. But she would not be interesting to me, I dont see how she could make me happy.
I can not double up on the half of my soul that already exists, I want someone different than myself but mysteriously familiar to me. Someone that completes me, someone who is my other half. Someone I can picture by my side through all facets of my life. Walking hand in hand through life, supporting each other, loving each other.
I want someone who will give me more children and love being a parent as much as I do. Someone I can picture laying on a couch, eating popcorn and watching a movie with. Someone I can picture sitting down for a big family dinner with. That someone who I can feel sitting next to me at my son's weddings or graduations. The woman that I will dance with at my wedding. The woman who's tears I will wipe away when she is sad, thst same woman who will hold me when I feel the same. The woman who I see holding my frail hand at next to my deathbed while I tell her that this is not the end, and that I will always love her. The Woman of my Dreams.
I can never stop thinking, never stop feeling. There is always so much on my mind, romance should be the last thing I should be thinking about. Ever since last night I have been feeling quite down. This morning I woke up early but just couldn't pull myself out of bed. All today I have been quiet, reserved, thoughtful, yet depressed and anxious.
The hearing I will be going to in the morning could literally make or break the rest of my trial. Even after 20 months since she left me, her inability to think and do what is best for our children shocks me. I have been raising my children for the last 18 months, they have been in solely my care for 16 of the last 18 months.
Everyone is more than certain that the chances of the Judge siding in my favor are extremely high. Throughout this whole case all I have ever tried to do is make sure that I have Parental Rights equivelent to that of Nicoles. To Prove that Nicole is the Antagonist of this story, all she ever tries to do is, carelessly and without regard for our children, prevent me from having the rights that I truly deserve. They have tried and failed, now a new court case has given them the opprotunity and a better basis for trying that again.
How is it good for Jadon or Tristan if I don't have any fatherly rights over Jadon? If this results in a loss and Jadon needs to be shipped off to Phoenix, how is seperating the boys good for them? How is taking Jadon out of Kindergarten good for him?
Despite the first few paragraphs, this is the real reason for my wishing to write a blog tonight. If I am interpreting my lawyer's confidence level correctly I give us a 50/50 chance to win at the hearing in the morning. If I lose I may very well give the court an oral statement, if I have the strength. And regardless of wether I win or lose I will be sending out an email to all of my family and friends, and all of Nicole's family and friends, Publicly denouncing her for the way she has conducted herself in this trial and the choices she had made that negativly effect my children.
I will post the results Monday evening.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Coming out of my Shell
This is never going to end
...
So I can't wait for it to any longer. Its time for me to stop hiding in my shell and get back out into the world.
It has been such a blessing to be able to come back home and have a warm, safe place to live during this dark chapter of my life. This has just been going on for far too long though.
My reasons for waiting are understandable, I would follow my children to the ends of the earth if neccessary, and I dont want to get tied up in some bogus lease if I suddenly have to find out that I need to move 1500 miles away.
I've lived here long enough though, I need a place of my own and I am going to be working hard in that direction starting after Christmas. As much of a blessing as this 'home' has been, it is not My home nor has it felt as such. My children are also ready to move, every week they ask me when we are getting our own place and the answer has always been after the trial.
Well I waited 12 months to file for Divorce. I was afraid of losing my children and at first had no legel precedence for keeping my son Jadon. As such, delay was my only option. Eventually things progressed to the point where it could no longer be avoided. Things have worked in my favor somewhat so far, we shall see after the hearing in 8 days.
But no, 12 months to file was nothing; my first trial date was set for August of this year, 5 months after I filed for divorce. At the last minute Nicole's lawyer tried some stuff to try to take Jadon out of the case, it failed but the Trial was then delayed to November (tommarow). Then, at the last minute Nicole's lawyer tried some stuff to try to take Jadon out of the case, it will hopefully fail, but either way it will further delay our Trial until at least February of 2008, 11 months after I filed, 23 months after Nicole left. And by that time Nicole will have only had the boys for 2 of the last 21 months.
Anyway, I am going to set some goals for myself on a move. Depending on when I plan for it to happen I will start setting a pre-determined amount of money away each paycheck based upon how much I anticipate it to cost (plus about $400-$500 extra just in case my over-estimate ends up being an under-estimate, because for those who know me, I always over-estimate on purpose).
Most importantly I need to figure out where I am going to live and when I am going to move there. My gut instinct, despite my current plan, is to plan a move in June of 2008 so that Jadon can finish out his year of kindergarten if I decide to move away from Pullman. But if I decide to move into or around Pullman than I believe I want my goal to be sometime near the end of February or beginning of March.
I need to talk to some people and figure out what is going on in other parts of my life as well to take that stuff into account.
Eventually once this is all over I may wish to move back over to the west side of the state. Once my divorce is final and things with the kids and I have stabalized. I enjoyed like the Bothell/Snohomish type area or maybe up North in Bellingham again.
The Spokane/Coeur d'Alene area is a possability as well, it would allow me to stay close enough to my family and friends to include them all in mine and my children's lives to the extent I want.
Sure, all these things seem to be after when my divorce may end in theory. But at the moment I have been planning on waiting until it was finalized to even consider a move. Even though I wouldnt actually make the move until after the divorce, I must move forward with purpose, I must move forward with the Life running through my veins that I have been so dearly fighting for.
I Love my children, and I will raise them. I feel confident that unless Nicole's lawyer finds some legal trick to utterly destroy the rights I should have for my children, then I believe the judge will side with me and grant my Primary custody.
...
So I can't wait for it to any longer. Its time for me to stop hiding in my shell and get back out into the world.
It has been such a blessing to be able to come back home and have a warm, safe place to live during this dark chapter of my life. This has just been going on for far too long though.
My reasons for waiting are understandable, I would follow my children to the ends of the earth if neccessary, and I dont want to get tied up in some bogus lease if I suddenly have to find out that I need to move 1500 miles away.
I've lived here long enough though, I need a place of my own and I am going to be working hard in that direction starting after Christmas. As much of a blessing as this 'home' has been, it is not My home nor has it felt as such. My children are also ready to move, every week they ask me when we are getting our own place and the answer has always been after the trial.
Well I waited 12 months to file for Divorce. I was afraid of losing my children and at first had no legel precedence for keeping my son Jadon. As such, delay was my only option. Eventually things progressed to the point where it could no longer be avoided. Things have worked in my favor somewhat so far, we shall see after the hearing in 8 days.
But no, 12 months to file was nothing; my first trial date was set for August of this year, 5 months after I filed for divorce. At the last minute Nicole's lawyer tried some stuff to try to take Jadon out of the case, it failed but the Trial was then delayed to November (tommarow). Then, at the last minute Nicole's lawyer tried some stuff to try to take Jadon out of the case, it will hopefully fail, but either way it will further delay our Trial until at least February of 2008, 11 months after I filed, 23 months after Nicole left. And by that time Nicole will have only had the boys for 2 of the last 21 months.
Anyway, I am going to set some goals for myself on a move. Depending on when I plan for it to happen I will start setting a pre-determined amount of money away each paycheck based upon how much I anticipate it to cost (plus about $400-$500 extra just in case my over-estimate ends up being an under-estimate, because for those who know me, I always over-estimate on purpose).
Most importantly I need to figure out where I am going to live and when I am going to move there. My gut instinct, despite my current plan, is to plan a move in June of 2008 so that Jadon can finish out his year of kindergarten if I decide to move away from Pullman. But if I decide to move into or around Pullman than I believe I want my goal to be sometime near the end of February or beginning of March.
I need to talk to some people and figure out what is going on in other parts of my life as well to take that stuff into account.
Eventually once this is all over I may wish to move back over to the west side of the state. Once my divorce is final and things with the kids and I have stabalized. I enjoyed like the Bothell/Snohomish type area or maybe up North in Bellingham again.
The Spokane/Coeur d'Alene area is a possability as well, it would allow me to stay close enough to my family and friends to include them all in mine and my children's lives to the extent I want.
Sure, all these things seem to be after when my divorce may end in theory. But at the moment I have been planning on waiting until it was finalized to even consider a move. Even though I wouldnt actually make the move until after the divorce, I must move forward with purpose, I must move forward with the Life running through my veins that I have been so dearly fighting for.
I Love my children, and I will raise them. I feel confident that unless Nicole's lawyer finds some legal trick to utterly destroy the rights I should have for my children, then I believe the judge will side with me and grant my Primary custody.
Friday, November 16, 2007
Legal Slight of Hand Causes Trial Delay
Today felt somewhat stressful, but about 1 hour before the end of my shift I started thinking "The next time I work, this will all be over". It finally started to feel real to me, like we would actually have a resolution.
In fact, when I was leaving I commented to Adam and Pam that I didn't feel at all stressed or anxious like I thought I would, after work I felt excited. It became exhilerating to think that the trial would soon be over.
So after I said that, I sit down in my car and call Beth, my Lawyer. Its the friday before my Trial so I wanted to make sure that she didn't need me to do anything else.
This is the point in my story that my 'high' dissapears and reality gives me a swift kick to the face. Beth breaks the bad news, on Wednesday Nicole's lawyer filed another motion to Dismiss Jadon from the divorce, Beth didn't actually find this all out until Thursday, and a hearing was set for 4pm on Friday (today). I don't need to be present for it, but I decide it would be in my own best interests if I am there to hear the results.
Essentially what the Motion to Dismiss is based on is a new trial dealing the De Facto Parent status that was just completed at the beginning of this month. This trial is definitally a different situation than my own, but there are some similarities and based on those similaraties I could potentially lose my ability to get custody of Jadon, which is why he would be dismissed fromt he case. Which means I would automatically lose Jadon.
There are rules that need to be followed in court however, and one of them that relates to this situation is something along the lines of us needing this new information at least 5 days before trial. Now, part of thier motion to dismiss included a motion to essentially ignore this 5 day rule.
What my lawyer proposed to the judge was that he deny this motion to ignore the 5 day rule and do one of two things. The first suggestion she made is that since trial is already set for the next two business days that the judge just incorporates this motion and its new information into the Trial, the second suggestion is that the trial be continued another time and a certain date bet set for the hearing.
Because the judge had such a huge criminal law slate he hadn't had time to look over our case yet for this hearing. He was going to examine the file for the trial over the weekend. Due to this information we all agreed it was best to cancel the trial, the hearing to determine if Jadon is dismissed from the divorce case happens on Monday November 26th, and depending on the outcome of that, I could very well lose this trial.
Now, when the hearing happens on Monday the 26th that is when we will schedule the new trial, and as of right now the earliest date they have open for trial is around the 2nd week of February.
Frank has waited too long and his rights over Jadon default, one step closer to adoption. This hearing will probably go my way and the delay can only help my case as long as the hearing works out. This also screws with Nicole's christmas, as there is absolutely no legal agreement in place that gives her the kids back until the trial, which means its pretty much up to me.
So hopefully she doesnt have any long conversations about how much she doesnt like me anymore or how everything is my fault.
In fact, when I was leaving I commented to Adam and Pam that I didn't feel at all stressed or anxious like I thought I would, after work I felt excited. It became exhilerating to think that the trial would soon be over.
So after I said that, I sit down in my car and call Beth, my Lawyer. Its the friday before my Trial so I wanted to make sure that she didn't need me to do anything else.
This is the point in my story that my 'high' dissapears and reality gives me a swift kick to the face. Beth breaks the bad news, on Wednesday Nicole's lawyer filed another motion to Dismiss Jadon from the divorce, Beth didn't actually find this all out until Thursday, and a hearing was set for 4pm on Friday (today). I don't need to be present for it, but I decide it would be in my own best interests if I am there to hear the results.
Essentially what the Motion to Dismiss is based on is a new trial dealing the De Facto Parent status that was just completed at the beginning of this month. This trial is definitally a different situation than my own, but there are some similarities and based on those similaraties I could potentially lose my ability to get custody of Jadon, which is why he would be dismissed fromt he case. Which means I would automatically lose Jadon.
There are rules that need to be followed in court however, and one of them that relates to this situation is something along the lines of us needing this new information at least 5 days before trial. Now, part of thier motion to dismiss included a motion to essentially ignore this 5 day rule.
What my lawyer proposed to the judge was that he deny this motion to ignore the 5 day rule and do one of two things. The first suggestion she made is that since trial is already set for the next two business days that the judge just incorporates this motion and its new information into the Trial, the second suggestion is that the trial be continued another time and a certain date bet set for the hearing.
Because the judge had such a huge criminal law slate he hadn't had time to look over our case yet for this hearing. He was going to examine the file for the trial over the weekend. Due to this information we all agreed it was best to cancel the trial, the hearing to determine if Jadon is dismissed from the divorce case happens on Monday November 26th, and depending on the outcome of that, I could very well lose this trial.
Now, when the hearing happens on Monday the 26th that is when we will schedule the new trial, and as of right now the earliest date they have open for trial is around the 2nd week of February.
Frank has waited too long and his rights over Jadon default, one step closer to adoption. This hearing will probably go my way and the delay can only help my case as long as the hearing works out. This also screws with Nicole's christmas, as there is absolutely no legal agreement in place that gives her the kids back until the trial, which means its pretty much up to me.
So hopefully she doesnt have any long conversations about how much she doesnt like me anymore or how everything is my fault.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
That which makes Comedy Sweeter and Horror more Horrible
Children, I never really thought about it before. I have always loved Comedy and Horror (and a bunch of other stuff), but since I've had children the way I view and enjoy these things has slowly changed.
The same reason exists for both, though due to the differences in Genres, it effects them differently.
Even when my children were gone for 9 weeks during the summer, I always felt as if they were right there at my side. And that is the key. My sense of Horror is so much more heightened, and I find things to be more horrible, things frighten me faster. Adult comedy really changes as well. Things that people say that would take you offguard when your kids are present, are so much funnier when you feel their presence. Obviously the kids arent there, but that sense that they are is enough.
In a way it has made me enjoy both comedy and horror more than ever, though I do tend to watch a lot less horror than I used to.
The same reason exists for both, though due to the differences in Genres, it effects them differently.
Even when my children were gone for 9 weeks during the summer, I always felt as if they were right there at my side. And that is the key. My sense of Horror is so much more heightened, and I find things to be more horrible, things frighten me faster. Adult comedy really changes as well. Things that people say that would take you offguard when your kids are present, are so much funnier when you feel their presence. Obviously the kids arent there, but that sense that they are is enough.
In a way it has made me enjoy both comedy and horror more than ever, though I do tend to watch a lot less horror than I used to.
Monday, November 12, 2007
Apparently, its Veteran's Day
So, I know that Veteran's day was yesterday, but many insitutions took the day off today in order to further its celebration (thats one way to put it lol).
I did not realize until midway through last week that both Jadon's school and the boy's daycare were both to be closed today. At first I thought I might have to take the day off to watch them, as I don't get the day off for the Holiday.
My mom gets the day off from WSU though so she volunteered to watch them this morning. I remembered that when I left for work early this morning. But after I went to the gym today I went strait to the daycare to pick the kids up, I unlatched the gate, walked into the playground, things seemed quiet and fairly dark. Unfortunatly it didn't click, my first thought was "is it still nap time?", I walk into the main office area and realize the truth. My kids are down in Clarkston with my mom and grandparents.
Suddenly I feel like a total numbskull and I immediatly call my mom to check on the kids and see how their day is going. And ofcourse, to indicate the embarassing moment I just had at the daycare. Fortunatly it was empty and I was alone. In hindsight, I kind of wish I had worked out a little bit longer.
Anyway, one week from today my Trial starts. My thoughts on this have not been idle, I torture myself with all possabilities exploding through my mind.
I did not realize until midway through last week that both Jadon's school and the boy's daycare were both to be closed today. At first I thought I might have to take the day off to watch them, as I don't get the day off for the Holiday.
My mom gets the day off from WSU though so she volunteered to watch them this morning. I remembered that when I left for work early this morning. But after I went to the gym today I went strait to the daycare to pick the kids up, I unlatched the gate, walked into the playground, things seemed quiet and fairly dark. Unfortunatly it didn't click, my first thought was "is it still nap time?", I walk into the main office area and realize the truth. My kids are down in Clarkston with my mom and grandparents.
Suddenly I feel like a total numbskull and I immediatly call my mom to check on the kids and see how their day is going. And ofcourse, to indicate the embarassing moment I just had at the daycare. Fortunatly it was empty and I was alone. In hindsight, I kind of wish I had worked out a little bit longer.
Anyway, one week from today my Trial starts. My thoughts on this have not been idle, I torture myself with all possabilities exploding through my mind.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Serendipity
So I did not make it to the gym on Friday as I was hoping. With Dad's weekend, Basketball and Football all happening all the roads around Beasley were blocked off.
I ended up going to the daycare early and speaking with the boy's teachers about some things and the upcoming trial.
A week ago I felt like this whole process was taking forever, but all this week each day has ticked by and now there are only 9 days left until the first day of my Divorce Trial. I really don't know what to expect, or how to feel.
As of about right now it has been 20 months since my 'wife' and I were together. We are quickly approaching the 2 year mark, which sounds huge considering she and I were only together for 3 1/2 years.
Nicole and I never would have hung out if we didn't work together. She, my roommate Waylon and myself formed a pretty tight nit team. I did have a bit of a crush on her, and that is what led up to us dating ofcourse. Mistakes were made and she got pregnant right away though and thinking back my reaction was odd.
I mean, you are with your first girlfriend, you barely know her, she gets pregnant a month after you have been together (which means one of the first times was the charm
). I was so excited, I just want to go back in time and punch myself in the head or something. I mean, I LOVE my kids and I wouldn't change this about my life at all. But I definitly would wish I hadn't been such a freakin dumb ass about it. No freaking worries in the world even though I just got my 18 year old girlfriend pregnant.
I was obviously an Adult when I got Nicole pregnent, but I didn't know what responsability was yet. Not even close. I just watched the movie Knocked up and its interesting to watch the main characters grow into their responsabilties.
God I love being a Father so much, and I have learned so much about it and I know there is so much more growth there waiting for me. I really hope to have more kids, at least 2 more, but I feel like the timing is off. I feel like right now is the time I would want to have a 3rd child, but when I finally do start dating someone, I probably would want to date her for at least 6-12 months before making a decision of that magnitude with her. I am still in my Mid-Late twenties though, so in that regard I feel like I have plenty of time, Ill just have to find a girl a bit younger than me for the math to work out
.
Anyway, last night we had our weekly movie night, the boys both picked Flight of the Navigator (amazing movie, I bought it at Blockbuster awhile back). Then tonight was our game night, we tried 2 of the new games Jadon got for his birthday and things went pretty well.
Today was weird though, Jadon had a scratch bleeding on his Shin and I had him sitting up on the counter in the bathroom while I cleaned it with Hydrogen Peroxide. As I am drying off his leg to put a Bandaid on he suddenly goes Limp, I didnt understand at first, but it turns out he feinted. Gosh my heart was racing before I knew what had happened and I am still a bit worried about it now. I am not sure if it was the blood or the stinging or what.
I gave the boys haircuts today, I think they turned out well. I posted a side by side comparison in my MySpace Photos which also includes a new photo of the barber
.
I did a bunch of cleaning today and I would have been doing laundry but I managed to get it all finished before the weekend!
Fatherland is getting better and better, I am about 2/3 of the way through it now.
Anyway, thats enough for now. Just as a final note, I am super excited about the prospect of seeing this show on December 2nd, but keeping the name/type of show a secret becomes more difficult. I was never very good with suprises.
I ended up going to the daycare early and speaking with the boy's teachers about some things and the upcoming trial.
A week ago I felt like this whole process was taking forever, but all this week each day has ticked by and now there are only 9 days left until the first day of my Divorce Trial. I really don't know what to expect, or how to feel.
As of about right now it has been 20 months since my 'wife' and I were together. We are quickly approaching the 2 year mark, which sounds huge considering she and I were only together for 3 1/2 years.
Nicole and I never would have hung out if we didn't work together. She, my roommate Waylon and myself formed a pretty tight nit team. I did have a bit of a crush on her, and that is what led up to us dating ofcourse. Mistakes were made and she got pregnant right away though and thinking back my reaction was odd.
I mean, you are with your first girlfriend, you barely know her, she gets pregnant a month after you have been together (which means one of the first times was the charm
). I was so excited, I just want to go back in time and punch myself in the head or something. I mean, I LOVE my kids and I wouldn't change this about my life at all. But I definitly would wish I hadn't been such a freakin dumb ass about it. No freaking worries in the world even though I just got my 18 year old girlfriend pregnant.I was obviously an Adult when I got Nicole pregnent, but I didn't know what responsability was yet. Not even close. I just watched the movie Knocked up and its interesting to watch the main characters grow into their responsabilties.
God I love being a Father so much, and I have learned so much about it and I know there is so much more growth there waiting for me. I really hope to have more kids, at least 2 more, but I feel like the timing is off. I feel like right now is the time I would want to have a 3rd child, but when I finally do start dating someone, I probably would want to date her for at least 6-12 months before making a decision of that magnitude with her. I am still in my Mid-Late twenties though, so in that regard I feel like I have plenty of time, Ill just have to find a girl a bit younger than me for the math to work out
.Anyway, last night we had our weekly movie night, the boys both picked Flight of the Navigator (amazing movie, I bought it at Blockbuster awhile back). Then tonight was our game night, we tried 2 of the new games Jadon got for his birthday and things went pretty well.
Today was weird though, Jadon had a scratch bleeding on his Shin and I had him sitting up on the counter in the bathroom while I cleaned it with Hydrogen Peroxide. As I am drying off his leg to put a Bandaid on he suddenly goes Limp, I didnt understand at first, but it turns out he feinted. Gosh my heart was racing before I knew what had happened and I am still a bit worried about it now. I am not sure if it was the blood or the stinging or what.
I gave the boys haircuts today, I think they turned out well. I posted a side by side comparison in my MySpace Photos which also includes a new photo of the barber
.I did a bunch of cleaning today and I would have been doing laundry but I managed to get it all finished before the weekend!
Fatherland is getting better and better, I am about 2/3 of the way through it now.
Anyway, thats enough for now. Just as a final note, I am super excited about the prospect of seeing this show on December 2nd, but keeping the name/type of show a secret becomes more difficult. I was never very good with suprises.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Not Quite!
So I didn't quite hit the 50 minute mark at the Gym today. But I did go, thats 2 days in a row!! Im intending on going in tommarow as long as I dont need to do anything for my lawyer.
So I think 35-40 min. is the max i can spend at the gym. I think its enough, but not quite as much as I was hoping. I guess I could go longer if I really wanted, but It just means the kids stay in daycare longer and we get home later.
I get off at 2:30 and I can't pick the kids up until about 3:35 or so, so what I am trying to do is get to the gym as soon as I can, I am just paying for 1 hour of parking and then I am trying to workout until about 3:45-3:50 or so. So literally the faster I get there the more time I will exercise.
I am not entirely opposed to large groups of people, but when things start getting crowded, that is when I feel less comfortable. So going to the gym doesn't bother me like it would have when I was in high school. Between 2:30-3:30 there isnt too many people there, but by 4 its getting pretty full, so it works out well for my schedule.
As far as groups of people go, I enjoy doing things in groups a lot more than I ever used to. Though, it obviously depends upon the people involved. Wether it is dinner at home, hanging out at a bar, playing board games or doing something more active. hmm, come to think of it, doubles tennis would be a lot of fun (right Tennis partner? we would stomp the competition! lol)
I am really getting into this book I am reading, Fatherland by Robert Harris. So far it is really interesting, I'll break it down for you.
It takes place in 1964, it is about a police officer in Germany that investigates a murder and begins to unravel a greater consipircy behind this and other related murders. Sounds like its been done a bajillion times before, but the twist would be the setting. It is not 1964 as we know and love it, its a slightly different time line, kind of a what if type of scenerio.
It is set in Germany, 1964... IF the germans had won World War 2. The really interesting part is that they dont break down everything that has happened, you learn it as it becomes important to the story. Also, the murdered individuals were all high ranking Nazi Party members who existed in real life, though I believe they were all dead well before 1964 in our own timeline.
Anyway, I dont want to say too much, but so far I highly recommend it. I intend to pick up some of this author's other novels as well.
There is this awesome show in 3-4 weeks that I want to go to, it could be awesome. I have heard good things about it anyway. I have always been interested in stuff like this, but haven't had the opprotunity since I was a teenager. Hopefully I can find a date for it
, but if not thats cool. If I keep my eyes open there are always cool things going on, esspecially during the holidays.
So I think 35-40 min. is the max i can spend at the gym. I think its enough, but not quite as much as I was hoping. I guess I could go longer if I really wanted, but It just means the kids stay in daycare longer and we get home later.
I get off at 2:30 and I can't pick the kids up until about 3:35 or so, so what I am trying to do is get to the gym as soon as I can, I am just paying for 1 hour of parking and then I am trying to workout until about 3:45-3:50 or so. So literally the faster I get there the more time I will exercise.
I am not entirely opposed to large groups of people, but when things start getting crowded, that is when I feel less comfortable. So going to the gym doesn't bother me like it would have when I was in high school. Between 2:30-3:30 there isnt too many people there, but by 4 its getting pretty full, so it works out well for my schedule.
As far as groups of people go, I enjoy doing things in groups a lot more than I ever used to. Though, it obviously depends upon the people involved. Wether it is dinner at home, hanging out at a bar, playing board games or doing something more active. hmm, come to think of it, doubles tennis would be a lot of fun (right Tennis partner? we would stomp the competition! lol)
I am really getting into this book I am reading, Fatherland by Robert Harris. So far it is really interesting, I'll break it down for you.
It takes place in 1964, it is about a police officer in Germany that investigates a murder and begins to unravel a greater consipircy behind this and other related murders. Sounds like its been done a bajillion times before, but the twist would be the setting. It is not 1964 as we know and love it, its a slightly different time line, kind of a what if type of scenerio.
It is set in Germany, 1964... IF the germans had won World War 2. The really interesting part is that they dont break down everything that has happened, you learn it as it becomes important to the story. Also, the murdered individuals were all high ranking Nazi Party members who existed in real life, though I believe they were all dead well before 1964 in our own timeline.
Anyway, I dont want to say too much, but so far I highly recommend it. I intend to pick up some of this author's other novels as well.
There is this awesome show in 3-4 weeks that I want to go to, it could be awesome. I have heard good things about it anyway. I have always been interested in stuff like this, but haven't had the opprotunity since I was a teenager. Hopefully I can find a date for it
, but if not thats cool. If I keep my eyes open there are always cool things going on, esspecially during the holidays.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
The Pulse of my life
Well, I certainly don't write blogs as often as I used to so I guess I should make sure what I am saying counts!
First off I just got off the phone with my Wife (EX in 12 days!!!) and out of no where she was a total b-i-t-c-h to me.
She called to talk to the kids but they were eating dinner, and after over a year and a half she finally recognizes that I dont just hand the phone over to the kids during meals, baths and bed times. So she just asked me to say hi to them for her and I did, but then Jadon wanted to say hi really quick so i held the phone to his ear and he said a couple things and when she wanted to talk to him more he said "i am eating, can you call me back when I am done?" she agreed and then Tristan looked like he wanted to say hi and so I held the phone to his ear and let him say hello really quick and then let them continue eating.
Meanwhile I get back on the phone with Nicole (sitting at the table with the boys) and she tells me they scheduled their return flight for Wednesday the 21st and when I questioned her she was somewhat defensive and indicated it turned out to be cheaper that way (I call bullshit, after dropping nearly $10,000 on her lawyer and her/thier trips up here...). I asked why, if that was the reason, was it such a secret when we had spoken before and she just said "because it didn't matter". Well, Im fucking asking, so it fucking matters, the original reason I was interested was so I could anticipate her intentions towards spending time with the kids and when she made such a big deal about keeping the information from me.. then it was a big deal.
Then I indicate to call back in 15 min. to talk to the kids and she tries to negotiate and asks me to call her when the kids are done. Not entirely unreasonable, but I have things to do that I am trying to get done right now, like Laundry, making beds, cleaning up dinner, reading a novel and so forth. I tell her I've got things I am working on and it would just be easier if she called back in 15 min. and suddenly out of nowhere she just freaks out.
She starts swearing at me and putting down things about my life like the "fucking small town in the middle of no where" and "fucking nothing better to do" and all sorts of random crap. She is sitting, bored out of her mind at a stupid soccer game and she cant just call back in 15 min.
So, being the stubborn, cold hearted, mean and unrelentingly important 'husband' she remembers so well, I stood my ground and didnt give and inch, I told her that what I am doing is none of her business and that her son asked her to call him back when dinner is over and she can either do that or not call at all. At which point she swore at me again and said something along the lines of "fine, Ill just call in 15 min." then she was saying something else obnoxious when I hung the phone up. Conversation Over.
Soooooo....
Anyway, I was challenged yesterday by a certain someone, doubting my conviction to go to the gym today. I am happy to announce success! I only spent 35 min. there, but I intend to increase that to 50 min. tommarow.
And now Ive got to go, I was intending on writing a bit more but its so time consuming.
PS: when she called back in 15 min she was still a bitch to me and said her piece about me being a jerk and standing her ground that having me call her back was the easier way to do things and then sarcasticly apologizing for "interupting my busy schedule". Then she hung up before I could respond.
For over a year, even after I found out about her boyfriend I facilitated everything between her and the kids. I encrouraged her to come up more often, to regulate her calls better so they would speak with her, to have them call her when something cool happened. I kept her in the loop on everything about school and activites and always sent her emails with pictures. I didnt get shit from her when the boys were down there, not even a call letting me know what fun places they were going to or anything. She wants to talk to My children then she will be the one to call, I tried going above and beyond to include her, she wasn't interested.
PS: Sarah, did you see both myspace messages?
First off I just got off the phone with my Wife (EX in 12 days!!!) and out of no where she was a total b-i-t-c-h to me.
She called to talk to the kids but they were eating dinner, and after over a year and a half she finally recognizes that I dont just hand the phone over to the kids during meals, baths and bed times. So she just asked me to say hi to them for her and I did, but then Jadon wanted to say hi really quick so i held the phone to his ear and he said a couple things and when she wanted to talk to him more he said "i am eating, can you call me back when I am done?" she agreed and then Tristan looked like he wanted to say hi and so I held the phone to his ear and let him say hello really quick and then let them continue eating.
Meanwhile I get back on the phone with Nicole (sitting at the table with the boys) and she tells me they scheduled their return flight for Wednesday the 21st and when I questioned her she was somewhat defensive and indicated it turned out to be cheaper that way (I call bullshit, after dropping nearly $10,000 on her lawyer and her/thier trips up here...). I asked why, if that was the reason, was it such a secret when we had spoken before and she just said "because it didn't matter". Well, Im fucking asking, so it fucking matters, the original reason I was interested was so I could anticipate her intentions towards spending time with the kids and when she made such a big deal about keeping the information from me.. then it was a big deal.
Then I indicate to call back in 15 min. to talk to the kids and she tries to negotiate and asks me to call her when the kids are done. Not entirely unreasonable, but I have things to do that I am trying to get done right now, like Laundry, making beds, cleaning up dinner, reading a novel and so forth. I tell her I've got things I am working on and it would just be easier if she called back in 15 min. and suddenly out of nowhere she just freaks out.
She starts swearing at me and putting down things about my life like the "fucking small town in the middle of no where" and "fucking nothing better to do" and all sorts of random crap. She is sitting, bored out of her mind at a stupid soccer game and she cant just call back in 15 min.
So, being the stubborn, cold hearted, mean and unrelentingly important 'husband' she remembers so well, I stood my ground and didnt give and inch, I told her that what I am doing is none of her business and that her son asked her to call him back when dinner is over and she can either do that or not call at all. At which point she swore at me again and said something along the lines of "fine, Ill just call in 15 min." then she was saying something else obnoxious when I hung the phone up. Conversation Over.
Soooooo....
Anyway, I was challenged yesterday by a certain someone, doubting my conviction to go to the gym today. I am happy to announce success! I only spent 35 min. there, but I intend to increase that to 50 min. tommarow.
And now Ive got to go, I was intending on writing a bit more but its so time consuming.
PS: when she called back in 15 min she was still a bitch to me and said her piece about me being a jerk and standing her ground that having me call her back was the easier way to do things and then sarcasticly apologizing for "interupting my busy schedule". Then she hung up before I could respond.
For over a year, even after I found out about her boyfriend I facilitated everything between her and the kids. I encrouraged her to come up more often, to regulate her calls better so they would speak with her, to have them call her when something cool happened. I kept her in the loop on everything about school and activites and always sent her emails with pictures. I didnt get shit from her when the boys were down there, not even a call letting me know what fun places they were going to or anything. She wants to talk to My children then she will be the one to call, I tried going above and beyond to include her, she wasn't interested.
PS: Sarah, did you see both myspace messages?
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